You guys came up with some awesome ideas…here is the first of the giveaways for today:
Make me laugh! You can tell me a joke or a funny story–anything that is funny! I will choose the winner based on who makes me laugh the most! I will choose a winner on 8/8 and they will get a $25 Publix gift card!
You must leave the comment on THIS post–those left on the Facebook site will not be included! Good luck–I can’t wait!
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I was breastfeeding my youngest at a Super Bowl Party this year (I had a hooter hider over us) and the host’s 4 year old came up to me asked what I was doing. I told her “I’m feeding my baby.” She lifts the coner of the fabric and peeks in. Her eyes go wide and looks up at me and says “I didn’t know you EAT from THOSE!!” I laughed and laughed!
Here’s my story:
So, once upon a time in a galaxy not so far away, there was planet “Fierce” and I was its Queen. I had style, flare, sex appeal, humor, and confidence. I was loud and demanded attention…and I got it. I could walk into any bar and never have to pay for a drink. Heads would turn, cars would stop, diamonds would fall from the sky and unicorns would leap over my head (okay..that’s a slight exaggeration)…anyway, you get the point….
….7 years and 2 kids later, I moved to planet “Eff off.” Here, the only thing I am Queen of is clipping coupons. My once sexy style has been replaced with one of three revolving pairs of sweats and whatever t-shirt is on top of the pile of yet-to-be folded clothes. My bubbly personality and light humor has evolved into cynical smart-assness and political INcorrectness. I still demand attention, but its usually from the grocery store manager when whatever pre-pubescent nimrod they have hired for the week fails to accept one of my 6000 coupons. I couldn’t get someone to give me 44 cents for a postage stamp, let alone buy me a Grey Goose dirty martini at 9 bucks a pop. Unicorns do not fly overhead in this god-forsaken place, instead the only thing flying overhead are green nerf balls that have been furiously shot out of a toy assault rifle…and only because they missed their intended target..my face.
OMG! We must having neighboring kingdoms on this third rock from the freakin’ center of crazy universe! Come over the moat (the crocodiles are just for show-they won’t hurt you) and borrow a cup of tequila sometime 🙂
We thought it was funny, we took our 2 yo DD last week along with the other kids and packed the car,we told her the whole time that we were going to the airport, we didn’t wanted her to know where we actually were going till we got there… well anyway in the car and off we go; the closer we get to our desitnation my 2 yo almost figured it out that we are not going to the airport, a few miles later we cross the ocean on our way to Cape Caneveral on our way to the Mickey Boat, all the sudden my 2 yo yelled we are not going to the airpor, there is water eveywhere we are going to the Mickey boat… and the whole car laught, she had this dead seriouse look and said ther is water everywhere we are going on a boat…. and you tell me a 2yo isn’t smart….
I have a friend who has a 4 year old little boy. We were riding in the car and she was asking him the names of family members…..what is momma’s name, what dad’s name, what is sister’s name, ect….
She asks what name does daddy call mommy? He said with a very serious look, “Daddy calls you a lot of names”. LOL!!!!!! Kids are so honest!!!!
While handing a .25 cent off coupon to the cashier clerk the couponer accidentaly missed the cashiers hand and the coupon fell and went into the conveyor belt. The cashier apologized for the moving conveyor belt and the couponer said “No problem-it’s in “coupon heaven” now.” The cashier asked-“Coupon Heaven?” and the couponer said “That’s where all coupons go when they die.” The cashier snickered and said: “only the REDEEMED ones!”
A few years ago I was driving with my younger sister in the car. She was about 16 at the time. We passed a car with a Hawaii license plate (we live in Alabama), so I asked jokingly “How do you think that car got here?”, and no sooner than the words left my mouth she responded in all seriousness, “It had to come through Canada.” I laughed so hard. She finally realized she was thinking about Alaska, but I still like to give her a hard time about it today.
I had just started couponing and I still felt a little funny pulling the peelies. Me and my 5 yr old daughter and I were at a very busy Publix one evening and I started pulling a couple and my daughter *very loudly* says “Mommy! What are you doing? Are you changing the prices?” People were turning around looking at me, or atleast it felt like they were. I just stopped and hurriedly hushed her and walked away. Those peelies were just not worth it. lol – I was so emmbarressed, but looking back now it always gives me a chuckle! 🙂
A friend of mine told me this the other day and it made me laugh!
Her and her husband along with the kids were riding through downtown athens. They passed a lingerie store that had a few hanging in the windows. With all seriousness their son declared to his little sister. “Look theres tinkerbell!!!” lol I love how innocent children are!
One of my boys was in the “in between” stage of potty training. I had forgotten to change him back into a diaper before I went to the grocery store. It was super hot outside and we entered the air-conditioned store. We got about 15 feet into the store – into the produce section and the cold air hit and he just lost it. There was a huge puddle, it was so embarassing, I let the store know and then didn’t go back for about two weeks – hoping they’d forget about us!!
I am not much of a joke teller, but I couldn’t resist… The other day in the target parking lot, while gathering my coupons in my car I saw this on the back of a van “We don’t skinny dip, we chunky dunk!” I thought it was the funniest thing! After two kids and 5 years of marriage, i have to say that if we attempted skinny dipping (heavens forbid!) it in fact would instead be chunky dunking!!! Hilarious!
things said by a couponer to her husband:
1) when that old lady walks away go grab a handful of those MIR
2) ooh ooh! is that a catalina?!! (while scouring the FL parking lot at 9pm)
3) man that’s free money!! ( catalinas in the parking lot)
4)will you go buy another newspaper?
5) take this to the car while i make another round
6) lets take our time, i am profiling (while looking for a cashier with a vacant stare)
7) i have overage, do you want a candy bar?
8) run get me another one of (fill in the blank)….no wait get 2…..no get…..okay yeah get 2
9) will you take one of those back (see above)
10) stick these Q’s in your pocket
11) ooooooooohhhh! peelies!
12) i know its not your favorite but you cant beat 16 for a dollar!!!! (cereal)
13) what can we do with 6lbs of hamburger meat?
14) our neighbor is on vacation, go grab his Sunday paper
15) Why do we need 22 bottles of mustard?
that’s pretty funny! i like #12…. that was me with the right guard last week! I was soooo excited about it(couldn’t shut up about it!!) My hubby said the other day ” i guess it doesn’t matter whether or not i like the right guard since you got me enough for 2 YEARS!!” lol!!
How about some appropriate “food” humor:
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef!
Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
A: LEAN Ground Beef!
A few years ago when my family & i went camping at Disney’s Fort Wilderness we were having dinner at Crocketts tavern which is a buffet style restauraunt. My oldest Daughter who was probably 9 at the time of course was full after hardly eating anything but wanted dessert. So since we were on vacation we said fine, so she happily went over to the dessert line by herself & got a heaping bowel full of what she thought was french vanilla ice cream. She sits down all proud of herself & proceeds to take a huge mouth full of “ice cream” only to discover that it was butter! The look of shock on her face was priceless. I have never laughed so hard. Por thing is 12 now & we still tease her about it. I guess she doesnt like butter that much after all. 🙂 I still giggle evertime I think about it.
One day, during dinner, I was trying to teach my 2 1/2 year old that if she was finished eating and wanted to leave the dinner table, the polite thing to say is “May I please be excused?” She looked at me very confused and said “but mommy, I don’t know how to speak Spanish!” We were CRACKING UP!! Apparently, she hadn’t heard the word “excused” before!
My husband and I were on our way to south Florida and stopped in at a CVS.. An older man approached the clerk and said, “Where can I find the soap?” She asked him, “What kind? Like body wash?” He replied, “Hell, I don’t know, the @ss-cleaning kind.” Hahaha…We couldn’t quit laughing..
Here goes, funny and embarassing…So while shopping at Publix one day my son was in the race car cart and my purse was next to him. We pull down one of the aisles and he sticks his hand out of the “window” with a pack of puffs tissues. As loud as loud can be he says “Mommy, are these for your v*g*n*a?” I couldn’t even believe it, laugh, run, grab the tissues….my face was burning up. Now it is really funny but at that moment…..LOL
One night when I was young my family was out to eat. My parents were explaining to my sisters and I about how beef was a cow and pork was a pig. A little later into the meal my Mom asked why my youngest sister why she wasn’t eating her hush puppies to which she replied with wide sad eyes, “I feel bad for the puppies!”
This is ADORABLE!
I’m no good with jokes…but a good friend of mine posted a facebook status yesterday that made me laugh…
…damn munchkins, I hate them! (the doughnuts, not the people)!!
🙂
My husband had to go to court the other day and while he was waiting his turn a Hispanic man’s turn came. The judge asked how do you plead. He said that he was not guilty for following too closely ( this is what he was charged for). So, the judge says but you ran into the back of this car. He said “Oh yes I guilty of hitting the woman but I not guilty of following too closely”. the judge is trying to clarify and explain to this man whose English is broken what “following too closely” means. This poor man states, “Judge, I guilty of hitting the woman and I will pay for her car but I not guilty of following too closely. I was sitting at the red light and dropped my drink into the floor. I bent over to pick it up and my car rolled forward. So, I guilty of hitting the car but not for following too closely.” this was dismissed with court costs only.
Couponing Joke:
The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in the young, lean years when she was first married, and even kept detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her first jobs way back then was running the cash register at the local drugstore.
One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d
like to use it, adding that she and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, “On these?!”
I just laughed until I cried because of this one! 🙂
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was..’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers..’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the
first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tom orrow..’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.
‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter.
‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied,
‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’
Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !
My 3 year old son makes me laugh daily. One time in particular though, my husband and son were talking about something (I don’t remember what) and when my son said something silly my husband said, “Son, that’s irrelevant”. My son said “Where? Where??” We said, “Where what?” and he said “Where’s our elephant???”
At a time when I was frequently reminding my 2 year old not to talk with his mouth full, we stopped in a store after my dental appointment. I was instructing him to stay with me and not wander off. He stared up at me eyes startled wide and asked, “Mommy, are you talking with your mouth full?”
My husband was in the garage with my 4 yr old granddaughter teaching her what a nut, bolt and washer were. The next day we are on a bike ride and she stops and picks something up from the road and says hey look a dryer! (it was a washer) we laughed all week over that!
True story:
My sister and her husband were taking a car trip and they thought that their 5 year old daughter was sleeping in the back. They were passing through a large industrial area over a bridge, when they passed a power plant that was producing smoke from the large pipe. Very softlyl and is if she was having the greatest epiphany of all time, my niece said, “oh…..so that’s how clouds are made”..,
Ah, the innocence of a child!
We were headed on a small road trip (Orlando to Tampa) where we were going to be staying for the weekend. I had packed everything up in the car including my 5 year old son and my 10 year old daughter. I had to run back in to pull some information from my email, so I told my kids to stay put we would be leaving in 5 minutes. I ran back inside. 3 minutes later, my son comes in the front door with his head hanging down. He comes up to me and said “mommy, Courtney made me say a bad word”. At the sound of those words I started to get upset imagining that she had dared him to say something or egged him on in some way (because that’s how she is). I looked at him and said “ok, tell me what happened”. He looked down at his shoes, then up at me. Apparently we were going to play the guessing game. So I asked him “did she dare you to say something?” shakes head no “did she say ‘I bet you can’t say this word’?” shakes head no. I asked a couple of more questions – all got the “no” head shake. Finally completely exasperated he looked up at me and said “well she hit me so I had to call her a bitch”.
I was still in high school when Thai happened. It was a Monday. I had spent the weekend at my dad’s house. My mom and stepdad had a New Orleans themed dinner party over the weekend, and she was like “the leftovers are awesome! You must try the bananas foster with some ice cream after school.” so, when I got home from school, I asked my sister “have you tried the banas foster?” she’s like “yeah, it’s in the kitchen omg soooooooooo good!”
I serve myself a bowl of icecream from the freezer, and I see a corningware dish on the counter with chunky brown stuff. So, I pour that all over my ice cream, sit down next to my sister on the couch. I take a big spoonful of ice cream and sauce, put it in my mouth. My face twists. Her eyes open up really wide and yells “STOP!!! That’s GREASE!!!”
blahhhhhhhhhhhhh :oP so gross!
TRUE STORY: My professional husband kissed our little one every morning on the way to work in his business suit and tie. I never knew what my two year thought of the way daddy was dressed until one day in the men’s department of a department store he pointed to a group of ties and LOUDLY proclaimed: “LOOK, mommy, DADDY BIBS!”
A Priest and a Rabbi were involved in a small car accident.
They both quickly get out of each of their cars to make sure the other one was ok.
Relieved to see that they were both fine, the Rabbi says,
“I think that this was God’s plan to bring us together today.”
The Priest says,
“I think you are right! I have some sacramental wine in my car, let’s toast to our good fortune!”
The Priest pours them each a glass of wine and the Rabbi quickly drinks his. He says, “aren’t you going to have a drink?”
The Priest says, “no, I’ll just wait for the police to come.”
My 3-year-old: “You have spots.” Me: “Those are moles and freckles.” Him: “You’re like a cheetah.” Me: “At my age, I’m more like a cougar.” Him: “What are you talking about?” Me: “Never mind.”
For Mother’s Day my 5 year old daughter’s kindergarten class had to write a sentence about their mothers and draw a picture. My daughter brought home a drawing with the sentence “My mommy is the best! Mom because she haves qupons and she love me”. It was the best, grammatical errors and all! It sure put a smile on my face!
After a fun Saturday fishing with the kids, we came home and fried up our catch for dinner. Everyone dug in and exclamations of how wonderful the food was came from everyone. My littlest, who was 7 at the time, looked at my boyfriend “the chef” and said, “This catfish is off the HOOK Travis……get it? Off the HOOK!” We laughed so hard! She is 10 now and still giggles everytime we fry catfish.
here is somthing every funny..was told by the DM that he could not afford to pay me to shop in his stores? wonder where he got that from?
sorry i meant VERY FUNNY lol so not awake yet
My 8 and 9 year old daughters bought a 12 inch rubber skeleton doll at a garage sale (already frugal) and they named it Crime Scene Barbie. You know that makes you laugh.
So, my girlfriend and I were on a vacation in Costa Rica…Manuel Antonio, to be exact. It’s a beach town with lots & lots of laid back folks. Upon our arrival, we walked down the hill from our hotel to check out the local sights. And when we were through, we started walking back up the hill. An American guy, 20-something, long matted hair, very surfer-hippy-like pulled up in a rusted out/ bumper sticker clad/ teeny-tiny hatchback beater, “Heeeey, do you girls wanna riiiiide?” My girlfriend, the more adventurous among us said in her bubbly voice, “Sure!” She’s little, so she hopped in the back and I rode shotgun crouched up with my knees in my chest. A little awkward in the small talk department, the driver says, “Heeeey, cheuck out this cool floweeeer.”, handing me a beautiful and fragrant lily. I was a little confused, smelled it and tossed it out the window. “Duuuuude, I said ‘check’ it out, not ‘chuck’ it out!”
Something that should really make you laugh is Suzi’s comment above on July 31 explaining her daughter going to the dessert bar and getting a “bowel” full of butter. NOW THATS FUNNY, I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE!!!! Fat fingers in typing will make funny stories every time…no offense, Suzi!!!!
One evening at bedtime when my son was particular night he kept calling me into his bedroom. He needed a drink of water, then he needed to go to the bathroom, then he wanted me to read him a story. This went on for a while then my husband says that’s enough. My husband went into our son’s bedroom and sat down and told him you are not to call Mommy back into your room unless it is an emergency. He made it very clear to our son and asked him do you understand and our son replied O.K. As my husband leaves the room our son stopped him and said, “Daddy, what’s an emergency?!”
True story-
My daughter was 4yrs. and lost one of her front teeth. She was so proud! We were in WalMart and and a large built Biker woman was walking by. My daughter stopped her and said Hey look you lost a tooth just like me!! Oh I could have died!!
This happened just last weekend.
I was eating a chocolate peanutbutter protein bar for breakfast and my 1 year old little girl was standing at my feet like a little birdie looking up at me with her mouth open so that she could have some. I was rolling little pieces into a ball shape and feeding it to her. She was in hog heaven.
Anyways, she wlked by a baby gate that caught onto her diaper and ripped it off on one side. So the diaper falls to the ground and out rolls some little pieces of poop (I had no idea she had poop in her diaper). You would be amazed at how much those little poop pieces look like the pieces of protein bar that I was just feeding her.
Needless to say she picks a piece up and puts it in her mouth. Luckily she makes an awful face and starts to spit it out. I am running toward her screaming “no Taylor, its not chocolate!” My 3 year old daughter comes running up to see what the comotion is all about and says “is that poop she’s eating?” I said yes, she thinks it is chocolate, help me get it up so she won’t try it again. She just stood there staring at me and after a moment of silence I look up and she is starting to throw up all over the floor.
They both ended up in the bath tub and brushing their teeth while I went and cleaned up the mess. I couldn’t help but start histerically laughing as I was cleaning thinking if somebody had video taped that whole thing we would be rich!
When my son was 3 (now 7) he cut his own hair – the front, and chunks of hair in the back…I guess when he realized that he didn’t do “a good job” on the haircut, he tried to glue it back with Elmers Glue. Amazing how he knew that maybe the hair would hold with glue and that we would never notice! Needless to say we had to wash the glue out get the loose pieces of hair out so that we could shave off all of his hair !!
One day when my oldest son was three I was driving and he was in his car seat and I was driving a little fast, I got pulled over by a state trooper and of course out of my mouth comes what does this damn idiot want, well he gets to the car and kind of leans in the window and he smiles at my son and then out of my sons mouth comes are you the damn idiot….My mommy said you are!!!!! Lets just say I didnt get out of that ticket…..
Yeah, so Melissa’s story about the poop and puke just cracked me up. She wins LOLLLLLL
Here is a joke that my 3 year old has been saying for the past few days to anyone who would listen:
Why did the cookie go to the hospital???
Because he was feeling CRUMMY Silly!!!
My 6 year old granddaughter recently came home with us from church. My husband was eating a butterscotch lifesaver. She promptly announced that our car smelled a little like buttercrotch. My hubby nearly choked he was laughing so hard.
My two daughters and I were standing in line at the Target deli to purchase our favorite fruit smoothies after our shopping trip. My youngest daughter was twirling around on the line barrier (I have no idea what it’s proper name is). Anyway, People were trying to walk by with their shopping carts so I summoned her to stop. She turns around and very innocently looks at me and says “look mom I am pole dancing!!!!” It felt like the entire store stopped and looked at me. LOL, I was so horrified. She had no clue that what she said had just been taken completely out of context. To her, she was just dancing on the pole. LOL, my poor child. 🙂
My neice is up in North Dakota this summer, she is almost 4 (September 1) visiting her dad who is stationed in Montana working for ICE. My sister in law is desperatly trying to sell their house down here in FL and continues to work. Anyway, I spoke to Addison on the phone last week and learned that being North Dakota, it’s customary when you turn 4, you get a hot pink riffle for goafer hunting, duh? I guess this is how you do it up north. She proceeds to tell me this on the phone, and then explains what she says when she calls the goafers “Hey Mr. Goafers, come out and play wis (with) me, i just want to schoot (shot) you” lol, with the little lisp and knowing her little face, i couldn’t help but laugh. It’s apparent, my brother in law needs a little boy STAT.
Back when our 4 sons were small we constantly had a problem with them calling one another names (i.e. dummy, stupid, nerd, etc.). I tried everything I could think of to get them to stop, all to no avail… After praying about it, a great idea came to mind. I went out and bought name tags, you know, the ones that have “Hello, my name is…” printed at the top. The next time someone called their brother a name I carefully wrote the name out on the nametag and placed it on their own shirt. They had to wear it for the whole day. Now, that’s only effective if others see it, so I always made sure we went out that day for an excursion. Many times I would get an odd look from the grocery checker as she read “Hello, my name is idiot” on my 8 year-old’s shirt. Our boys are 22, 19, 16 and 13 now and we still have a good laugh over those days!
Ok. So a few weeks ago, I got in the mood to go yard selling. Sometimes I just like to look at what others are selling.. who knows why? lol! Anywho, I had to take the kids b/c the hubby was at work. We went to several different ones and finally stopped at the last one that was closest to home. I am looking at a baker’s rack and going on down the lady’s driveway looking at things.. I stopped at this little round table, very small but cute.. I just looked at it for a sec and then kept moving on.. Next thing I know from the corner of my eye I see my son attempting to sit on the tiny table and falling b/c low and behold.. He broke it with his big booty.. Needless to say I am now the proud new owner of a broken tiny table that I did not need… What makes this even funnier??? My son is 13…
When my 5 year old, who we call BooBoo, was not quite 2, and still in diapers, we used to give him
little boxes of raisons to snack on. One day I saw a “raison” on the floor, I picked it up, and don’t ask me why, but I took a HUGE whif of it….needless to say, it was not a raison…it was what we refer to now as BooBoo droppings!!!
My 17 year old daughter walks in (ok, crawled in moaning and whining about having a little girly pain), complained bitterly about being born a girl, points to her general abdominal area, shouts “BAD UTERUS! BAD UTERUS!”, then stops, looks at me and asks “Do they call them ovaries because they are over your vagina?” I did not think I would EVER stop laughing! (BTW-she’s number 6 in her class…wow…I am so proud!)
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no room left it must distribute out to the rest of our bodies. So, we are not ‘heavy.’ We are enormously educated, cultured, and witty. Beginning today, when you look at your big butt in the mirror think ‘good grief! Look how smart I am!’
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef but no one can pee soup. From icarly.
Once upon a time, there was this lady who LOVED baked beans! The only problem was that they gave her really really bad gas. So, when she met the love of her life and they started dating, she decided to give up baked beans forever so she wouldn’t scare him away. Fast forward a few years later…She’s having the worst birthday ever–bad day at work, her car breaks down, her cell phone isn’t working so she can’t call her husband, etc. She doesn’t live very far from work, so she decides to just walk home. On her walk, she gets a big whiff of the best smelling baked beans ever! She knows she’s promised herself never to eat baked beans again, but they smell so good and it’s her birthday! So she runs in and gobbles up a big bowl of them and then continues on her way home. As soon as she walks into the door of her house, her husband comes running to her. “I’m so glad you made it home! Here put on this blindfold because I have a big surprise for you in the kitchen!” He gently leads her into the kitchen and gets her into a chair. Right then the phone rings. “Oh no,” he says, “well, just sit here for a second while I answer that, and I’ll take that blindfold off as soon as I get back.” The phone call lasts a lot longer than she thought it would and all of a sudden she has really bad gas. She tries to hold it in but then thinks, “whatever, he’s in the other room anyway.” She lets out gas several times, giggles, then does it again. Then she feels around for her napkin in front of her and starts using it to try to air out. Her husband comes in, and she’s really proud of herself that he probably didn’t notice. He takes off her blindfold and she’s mortified to see all her family and friends around her with a birthday cake and streamers!!! They had been sitting there the whole time!
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
Fairytale…
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, “Will you marry me?”
The guy said, “No,” and the girl lived happily ever after and
went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had
a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and
handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End
Several years ago I was asked to participate in an Easter drama at my church. The choir did a short cantata with narration. Part of the narration was a short prayer. I was asked to read the prayer at the appropriate time. I was rolling along pretty good and feeling relieved that I was almost finished reading the prayer. The last line in the prayer said: “Father most of all we thank you for the resurection.” In my nervousness I read; “Father most of all we thank you for the erection”. People started to snicker, at first quietly and then it got a bit louder. An 80 year old man in the choir spoke up and said, “yes I’d be thankful for that”. Only then did I realize my blunder. I was so embarrased. No one has ever allowed me to live that one down.
I used to work for a hotel, I was helping out answering the phones for the guest’s. I recieved a phone call from a guest saying they could not get their food out of the microwave. The door would not open. They asked for someone to come upstairs and help them get their food out. (this was a weird, because we do not have microwaves in the hotel)Myself and someone else, went up to the room to assist the guest. The guest opened the door, we walked in. He walked us over to the “microwave” which was the security safe for the room. He had placed his food in the safe, shut the door and it was then blinking numbers…he thought he was picking the cook time, when really it wanted the code to open the SAFE. 🙂
This is hilarious!
ok, my husband is disabled with a neurological condition and he passes out often from the pain. he has been in a wheelchair for a few months but before that he would just ‘hit the floor’ when he passed out. the other day my 4-yr old was at daycare and a parent was talking to the teacher about their child having tantrums and said the child would just ‘fall out on the floor’. Well hearing this Brennen, my 4-yr old said, “yeah, my daddy does that all the time” just matter of factly and walked away. The teacher, knowing about my husband, just giggled but the parent looked like, huh??? as if Brennen’s dad really fell out having tantrums on the floor……..we have said we wanted to make a book of Brennenisms because he comes of with stuff like that all the time.
my 2yr pointed to his chest and says Ouch Mama dada— Ouch. I asked him what hurt and he pointed to his nipple and said “it’s a bite mama”. We couldn’t stop laughing at his new discovery of body parts.
My three year old is very vocal!
Last week she was singing “Row Your Boat” at the top of her lungs while in the tub (we all know what good acoustics the bathroom provides).
I said, “B you are being too loud.”
Her response, “I not loud. I PERFECT!”
Ok a man with his wife went on their honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. “What happened to your feet.” his wife asked. I had a childhood disease called tolio. “Dont you mean polio”
No, Tolio”. it only affects the toes. Man then removes his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. “what happened to your knees.” Well i also had kneesles. “dont you mean measles.”, No kneesles it only affects your knees. When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said “dont tell me you also had smallcox.”
True story just a couple days ago my nephew was in the tub, and had bubbles all over his face. He told me he looked like george washington DC. lol.
My kids are the funniest people I know. My 4 year old son asked me a few weeks ago, as I was searching for coupons online, if I was using the “typer inner” to find some coupons for good food. Yep, I was using the typer inner (keyboard)!
I can make you laugh! Check out this clip from my local news station –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua-OqYZC1DA
Makes me laugh out loud every single time I watch it! And proud. It makes me proud to be from Huntsville – haha!
Whitney, that was laugh-out-loud funny. I watched it 3 times. Thank you.
This is HILARIOUS. Thank you sooooo much for posting this. It made my whole day…at least over a dozen times.
Well, this is a “worst experience” but it’s still kind of funny. My daughter, at the age of 2 was still a pretty oral kid. One day we were at Chuck E Cheese (grossest place ever) and I turned around to see her sprawled face-down on the floor trying to scrub a mashed-in tootsie roll out of the carpet with her TONGUE! ACK!!!! (I still gag every time I think about it!)
A publix story for moms…. When my daughter was six months old she was having issues with constipation… as a new mom I let her eat the whole jar of prunes, thinking no big deal she was going to be with my husband all day the next day, WRONG! When I went to publix to do my shopping that afternoon I got half way through and noticed that I was wet all of a sudden (she was strapped to me in a Bjorn)I thought a little pee, no big deal not the first time or last time. Next thing I noticed it had gone all down my leg, and yes ladies it wasn’t pee. Lesson learned #1 never let your child eat the whole jar of prunes #2 If you want your husband to get the poopie diaper feed your child the prunes right before you leave and #3 My publix is the best b/c they never even commented on the stink as I hung my head and checked out for the day!
My 3 year old needed to call grandma to thank her for a gift. I dialed the phone and handed it to him and said “Now when Nana says Hello, you start talking to her.” He held the phone up to his ear in his little and hand and I could hear it ringing. He looked and me, totally serious, and said “It’s loading.” HA!
What did the robot say to the gas pump? “Get your finger out of your ear and listen to me.”
We are trying to potty train our 3 y/o. She was going #2 at a restaurant when she did she said she wanted to see it. She got off to look at it and said “Mom that looks like a Hermit Crab.” LOL-Thanks
This always makes me smile and laugh. Been watching this one for years and still think it’s hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAxG3lgRKUU
I had just got back from getting my car cleaned and went out to the garage to grab something out of my car. Thinking that I had left the window down I tried to stick my head in and I guess since the window was so clean that I thought it was open. Anyway I fell back and wound up with a big knot on my head. I now put my hands to the window first.
A “yo momma” joke…
Yo momma is so stanky she made Right Guard turn left!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_WWAVXZyuQ
We had finally made it to the check-out line at Publix when my 5 y/o DD looks at me very seriously and loudly asks “what’s under there”, confused, I asked her “underwhere?” and she starts laughing hysterically and says “You said underwear”.
I don’t think I laughed that hard in a long while, got to love pre-school jokes!!!!
I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything,
but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Last week my three year old points to an empty toothpaste box on the bathroom counter…Jas: What’s that mommy? Me: It’s a toothpaste box. I guess daddy opened a new tube and left it there. (looking around) Yep. Here’s the old tube, it’s all used up so we should probably throw it in the trash. Jas: Well..(in deep thought)..grandma is old what should we do with her?
Me: ummm…ummm…just love her until she’s used up I guess.
Yesterday my 7 year old son cracked me up. He’s really into knock-knock jokes right now, and if you have a small child you know that they aren’t usually that funny.
Setting : Me, my 9 year old daughter (Megan) and 7 year old son (Kyle) cruising the grocery aisles at Target.
Kyle: “Knock Knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Kyle: “Megan.”
Me: “Megan who?”
Kyle(in a very theatrical stage whisper): “Megan FARTED!”.
Oh dear. I laughed so hard and so loud that people were staring. Thankfully my daughter has a great sense of humor and was not emarrassed (she laughed, too). I’m usually not into gross-7-year-old boy humor but that one caught me off gaurd.
here is a Joke my friend emailed me a few momths ago because she knows I’m a coupon addict!
The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in
the young, lean years when she was first married, and
even kept detailed records of how much money she
saved. One of her first jobs way back then was
running the cash register at the local drugstore.
One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach
the counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a
dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he’d
like to use it, adding that she and her husband had
saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, “On these?!”
So I am in a large classroom with mixed company. The teacher calls on Dick to answer a question and she hears 3-4 answers shouted out. She then says “Well how many Dick’s are there in here”? Needless to say this large crowd of adults were reduced to laughing so hard at the look on her face we were reduced to tears.
So I am in a large classroom with mixed company. The teacher calls on Dick to answer a question and she hears 3-4 answers shouted out. She then says “Well how many Dick’s are there in here”? Needless to say this large crowd of adults were reduced to laughing so hard, at the look on her face, we were reduced to tears.
My kids and I watch this video at least once a week! Make sure you watch all the way to the end!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cZ7OT7BmM8
One morning, years ago, when I was in high school, I was eating an apple for breakfast as my mother set out little 6 oz. glasses of orange juice for my younger siblings. My carpool arrived just as I finished the apple, so I tossed the core to my mother and asked her to please throw it away… it landed right into one of the glasses, spilling juice all over! We both stopped short, me expecting to be yelled at, but we both started to laugh hysterically… My mother practically shrieked “you couldn’t do that if you TRIED!” I still laugh at the thought.
My friend married a woman from a country in Asia near the equator. She was culture shocked when she came here in the US for the first time since she came from a small province in that Asian country not easily exposed to the western ways. She came here in the winter time which she wasn’t use to the very cold climate. one day her husband left for work. He forgot to turn the heater on so the woman was freezing to death. she was trying to keep warm but couldn’t find a way to do so until she went to the kitchen. She turned the oven on and had the door wide open put a chair in front of it and sat down and propped up her feet on the oven door with blankets wrapped around her.
when it got too hot, she would close the over door. then a few minutes later, it would get cold again and she would open the door again. she sat there the whole day repeating it until her husband got home. he was soo mad because it could have caused a fire and the bill was going to be high that month.
another instant was when the husband told her to go to the bank and get some cash. this was her first time going. when she got there, she saw the ATM on the side of the parking lot. so she parks the car, walks up to the ATM and got some cash. while doing so, she saw a few cars lined up behind her wondering why they didn’t park while they were wondering why she parked and walked to the ATM?!?!?! HAHAHA! She didn’t know that there was such a thing as a drive through ATM!
Ok – so here goes my attempt to make you laugh.
I took a shower early one morning last week…..while in the shower I saw a sort of big spider & was sort of creeped out. I used all my bravery & slammed a shampoo bottle over it to squish it. Gross, I know, but I was soapy & bleery eyed & needed to do something. So I told my husband to please take care of the spider remains for me. He says “You might want to wear your glasses in the shower”. “Why?” I say. He says “Well, you ARE brave….that was the scariest clump of hair I’ve ever seen”. 😀 Oh well, I swear it looked like a spider!
When my now 7yr. old daughter was 2, and potty training, had a lightbulb moment. We were sitting at the kitchen table having dinner when she raised ever so slowly out of her booster seat saying,” It’s drippy like my sippy cup!” It made us laugh so hard and definitely one of those “I have to write that down in her memory book kind of things”!
This entire skit is hilarious…I feel like it really happens! And her impressions are spot on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
Recently, while giving my ten-year-old and nine-year-old sons an introductory lesson on the ‘birds and the bees’ I was mildly amused to see the expression on their faces turn from bored to horrified. After hearing what they said were ‘all of the gory details’ my son Daniel looked at me and said, “Mum, thank goodness you and daddy have never done that!” I have laughed to myself many times over that one…
Hey Michelle! This is funny and sad all at the same time. lol. I posted about it on my fb page yesterday:
My car was “broken” into last night –(left a door unlocked-so not really broken in” – anyway….they didn’t touch my GPS (thankfully) or my pricey chargers– instead the only thing missing was my laundry detergent stockpile– I had bought 10 bottles over the past week and didn’t get them out of the trunk yet…… crazy, huh?
And even funnier were some of the responses I got:
“bet it was the coupon police”
“Hmm…maybe a CVS cashier?”
“DIRTY SCOUNDRELS”
Lesson learned: Always keep detergent in the car to avoid getting your valuables stolen!
Okay, this may only be funny to a math teacher, but here goes:
While teaching my high school Geometry class about circles, we were talking about circumscribed polygons (shapes that are inside of a circle). Well, let’s just say that a slip of my tongue caused me get the entire class laughing not about polygons be circumscribed, but rather them being CIRCUMSIZED…Oh My!
Being a math major who is now going back to get some education classes so that I can teach high school, I think it is really funny!
My 17 year old son thinks it’s funny when he tells me not to drink and derive…
Again, all math peeps.
This is long but is the funniest thing I have ever read.
Pocket Taser
A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? ? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”??
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative??
SON-OF-A-… That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?
“If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.”
You Win (in my opinion)!!!!!!
My 3 year old grandson tugged on my sleeve and said, “Nana, I want to tell you a story about when I was a little boy.”
I’m still chuckling.
This makes me laugh every time I see it!!
I only wish this was me! But any parent with children regardless of having a “swagger wagon” or not, you have a much better appreciation for the minivan!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUG3Z8Hxa5I
What?! Love it, hope this puts a little smile on your face!
Ok, I have a few funnies for you today! 🙂
When my son was about 7, I was on the phone and the doorbell rang. My son ran to answer it and yelled out “Mom…someone’s here!” I asked him who it was and he yells out (right in front of the man at the door) “I think it’s Dad’s lawyer!” I got off the phone quickly and went to the door to see a nice young man in a dress shirt and tie. Nope, it wasn’t a lawyer, just someone bringing the word of God to us, Jehovah Witness style. lol : )
2nd Funny:
My dh was questioning our son about something and after our son gave a wishy-washy explanation, dh said, “Son, I think you are perpetrating a fraud”. DS pipes up, “Daddy I am NOT percolating a FROG!” : )
3rd Funny:
I took DS to Walmart one day to buy him shoes. He was just about a year and a half old. I had to return something to the CS desk first so I wheeled the cart up there with ds sitting in the front. There were a few ppl behind us in line and I could hear him making little tiny “gagging” noises periodically. His back was to me so I couldnt see his face…but everyone behind me could! I would look back every few seconds to see what the noise was and could see all the ppl giggling and pointing. The cashier handed me my money and just then ds turned to look at me. Thats when I saw what he was “gagging” on. My purse was sitting next to him on the seat and he had grabbed a tampon out of it, unwrapped it, and was proceeding to gnaw on it like a popsicle! : 0 I quickly tried to take it away from him but we ALL know what a one year old does when you attempt to get something away from them. He started screaming bloody murder and waving his chubby fists, pointing at the tampon in my hand, yelling “MINE!”, drawing even MORE attention to us! Ppl were openly laughing at me now, so I just snatched him up and walked calmly to the door. Then I took off running for the car. We didnt go back to that Walmart for about a month. lol I still can’t believe that not one of those ppl would tell me what he had! @@
Many of my friends and family thought this was really funny:
This past week was a full of accidents and mishaps, but after taking my son to the ER for a head injury (he fell down the stairs) and my daughter splitting her lip I thought it couldn’t get worse. Well, all things come in threes. Only days after the first two incidents my son decides to use a portable potty seat as a hat and pushed a little too hard. He managed to get it all the way around his neck and I had to rush him to the Fire station to get them to help me either pull it off or cut it off. The only part I really regret is that I didn’t get a picture. The only thing I can say for all this is that I can now look back and laugh.
I have three kids. We were in our doctors office for the boys annual appointments. My youngest child (girl – age 3) was bored and getting into things. The doctor and I were speaking about how the boys were doing (diet, weight gain, issues etc.) when my daughter got into my purse and pulled out a pad! OMG! My pediatrician is a young male btw. Not only did she pull out the pad, she interrupted our conversation and asked me what it was! LOL I quickly grabbed it from her and put it back in my purse all the while keeping eye contact with the doctor and continuing our conversation. Thank goodness the boys didn’t notice…then I would have really been mortified! LOL
I recently started babysitting (correction: I was the “nanny” for) a 4 year old little girl from a very well to do family. On the first day, I could hear her talking to my little girl (who is four also) about all the things she has. “I have a leapster AND 10 games and you only have 2″…”I have my own TV in my room and you dont”…”I have more books than you do”…”I have more games than you do”… This went on most of the morning and I must admit that it was really wearing on me – my child is so blessed to have as much as she does (we have experienced 9 nine months of unemployment with NO GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE because my husband worked for a church which does not pay unemployment, 11 months in the hospital with heart surgery for my husband who was the sole income producer and a year and half with my daughter in and out of children’s hospital with a birth defect)— We are so blessed, maybe not with the big house and things, but in ways I can not describe — but I admit that as the day went on, even I was beginning to feel down hearing all the things she has more of….until it came time for lunch. Being her first day and not knowing what she would like, I told her she could pick whatever from the pantry — the child who has talked non-stop is suddenly quiet and then I hear the words that mad me proud…. “WOW!!!! You have more food than we do” (score one for the coupon queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
Some really corny jokes that make me snigger:
(NOTE: Numbers 3 and 4 are best answered with a bit of a Southern drawl.)
NUMBER1:
Q: What is a duck’s drug of choice?
A: Quack
NUMBER2:
Q: What do you call a chimp with a banana stuck in each ear?
A: It doesn’t matter; he won’t hear you.
NUMBER3:
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea
NUMBER4:
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.
Remind not to use a wet wipe to wipe my son’s face anymore. I caught him using the wipes to wipe his but and putting them back into the container.
What did the male mushroom say to the female mushroom?
I’m a fungi (fun guy)
My oldest was asking one her young brothers where things “come from”…ie Where does milk come from…When asked “Where do eggs come from?” my four year old son proudly shouted “PUBLIX!!”
My 4 year old ask what was for dinner… I said cowboy beans. He said, “I like those. Are beans good for you?” I answered, “Yes.” He ask, “Are there different kinds of beans?” I answered, “Yes – Black beans, Pinto beans, Kindny beans, Red beans, Navy beans…. there are lots of kinds of beans.” Then he excitedly added, “Oh don’t forget Jelly Beans, they are my favorite bean. Can we have those for dinner tomorrow?”
So, our daughter was just a newborn and as most newborns do, they go #2 quite often and it is often messy. Well, this happened one morning and my husband took her to the changing table and proceeded to change her. He then yells for me to come help as the #2 is EVERYWHERE, so he proceeds to pick her up with one hand supporting her head and the other hand holding her legs (bare bottom pointed at me in the air). As I stepped in front of him to clean the changing table, I immediately thought this was a bad idea as all of a sudden she projectile pooped ALL OVER MY BACK! I gasped as my husband starts laughing hard and then goes running for the camera! We were both laughing so hard because how can you not?!!
Short and sweet.
Why was Tigger in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh:)
This one is about my older sister when she was very young. My dad took her to the grocery store and went down the cereal aisle. There was a mother and a young boy already there. The boy was screaming, “Mommy, I want Cocoa Puffs! I want Cocoa puffs! I want Cocoa Puffs!” My sister was aggregated boy the little boy’s persistence. This is when my sister shook one of her balled up fist at the little boy and said, “I’ll give you Cocoa Puffs like this!” My dad was so embarrassed that he put his head down and left without cereal. This happened nearly 20 years ago, but we still won’t let her live it down!
Sorry, that was suppose to say aggravated by… LOL. I have predict a word on my phone, and sometimes it picks some of the strangest things! It also doesn’t help that this is a touch phone.
My husband and I were sitting around watching some reality tv while the kids napped (reality tv always makes us feel good about our life). There was lots of drama on this episode…the guy was contemplating leaving his “baby mama”. I turned to my husband and jokingly informed him that if he ever decided to leave me, he’d lose A LOT of money. I continued to tell him that not only would he have to pay child support, he’d miss my couponing skills because I would NOT teach the new women how to shop at Publix and CVS. He laughed so hard and responded with, “I know what my new Facebook Status is going to be!” as he reached for the laptop.
My mom was driving my little sister to practice (she was about 12 at the time, I think) and they saw a squirrel that had been hit by a car laying in the road. My mom comments “poor squirrel”.. My little sister yells out “And look!! There are his nuts!!” My mom is silent for a few moments and then realizes my sister is talking about some random acorns that are laying in the road next to the “poor squirrel”! That one stills gets us laughing many years later!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
My 2 year old son followed me into the bathroom a couple days ago. He inquisitively looked at me and asked, “Mommy are you using your penis to go pee pee?” As I began to respond, “No, mommy doesn’t…” he interrupted and said. “That’s right you only have hair.”
so…I have the stubbornest 2 year old! She has decided that she doesn’t want to speak our language (even though we know she can) and if she gives in and calls something a name…it is a name she has made up herself.
“milk” is one of the words we ahve been trying to get her to say recently. But she only actually says it right when she forgets that she meant to say her own word for it. So in the last week it has been mulk, gulk, juice and ” juice juice cow” :)!
My mom and her husband were watching our kids while we were on a cruise.
And my youngest is Parker. He is 4 and his best friend Jalen a young black boy. My mom did not know this.
Over dinner he announced that he wanted to be brown. And my mom said well you can’t be brown because your white. He said “will you paint me brown”? He wants to look just like Jalen his bff.
My mom was cracking up at first but once we explained his bff she thought it was sweet.
I had had a very difficult week at work and at home. I was sitting outside on Saturday, resting from yard work. I looked up into the sky and silently screamed, “God, where are you?” Right then a bird flew over me and pooped. It landed right on one of my eyeglass lenses! Be careful what you ask for!
Last week I got into the shower with my bra on.
This is what happens when you have been up all night with babies!
I can’t get over this one (possibly because I’m pregnant and due in 3 short weeks), with a 3 year old who has decided that it is now his goal to deprive me of as much sleep as possible.
But I LOVE this, it makes me giggle (and sticks in my head!).
My 16 month old likes to put blocks in her mouth and blow on them like a whistle. The other day I was sitting on the floor with her playing and she put one in my mouth and I began blowing on it. It kind of tasted funny and wasn’t smooth like a block so I pulled it out and it wasn’t a block at all, but the dog’s latest chewy treat! Gross!
My older two children like to play store. Their conversation the other day: Do you have a coupong for that? Better than that was when the 6 year old asked if he could get that item as a buy one get one free… Guess mom’s been talking about Coupon’s lately.
My other favorite is from my 2nd year teaching 6th grade. I had two students say something at the same time. I said “Wow, live and in stereo.” The boy sitting in front of me said “Mrs…., don’t you mean surround sound?” Boy, talk about the age gap:)
My daughter was having a hard time going to sleep one night and she kept getting out of bed and playing with her toys/books/etc. I had been in 3 or 4 times to get her back in bed and tell her to quiet down. The last time I went in I said to her “now I don’t want to hear another peep out of you” and as I opened her bedroom door to go out she says “peep” just loud enought for me to hear it. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing and I just closed the door behind me. Gotta love ’em!!!!!!
What does a bug say to a bug that is annoying him?…
STOP people-ing me!!!
When my husband was in training to become a member of the volunteer rescue squad, one of the requirements was to rapel down a rope from the top of the water tower. As the men rapeled, they were to call out their name followed by “RAPEL”. When it was my hubbys turn, in his excitement, he screamed out “Carl Munn “REPENT”!! All the guys got a real kick out of this and this story has been told many times over!!
I hope this has not been posted but it makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrIp3k5pJQM&NR=1
My husband and I went to a free screening for One Tree Hill’s season finale at the WB in Atlanta back when we were in college. They had chairs set up for a stadium seating effect, but it was more like bleachers with an opening between each level. One lady behind us sat down in her chair, but her chair legs slid back between the opening and she fell completely on the floor. We tried so hard not to laugh… and my husband said “what an idiot”. Well, I asked him to go refill my drink and when he came back, he did the exact same thing – chair legs got pushed back in between the opening and he fell completely on the floor with my drink in hand. Somehow he managed to hold onto the drink without spilling it! I couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the screening!
when our son was three, we were in the car, he in his car seat right behind me and there was something wrong with my cell phone…i could hear people but they could not hear me! so here i was, calling a few people to see if it was their phone problem or mine..saying, ‘hello! hello?!?! helllooooo!!!’ and i was saying to him that i didn’t think my phone was working….so he says to me ‘try your other ear, mommy’
i got quite a kick out of that…love the sweet things these kids say!
🙂
my husband and i took our kids 2 yrs and 1 month to pier park in florida for the beach ball drop. after it was all over we ended up w/ 15 beach balls and couldnt carry them so we put them in our double stroller. i took our baby out and filled his seat with them. as we were walking my husband- who is an eternal joker- says meagan i sure hope he can breath in that thing! if you could have seen the lady that was walking by- i thought she was going to break her neck trying to see if we left our baby under that stuff! meanwhile i’m walking right beside him carrying him! he is a nut!
I was babysitting for a friend’s small child.I looked at him and
he was standing by the refrigerator. “I want some juice”, he said.
My response was “what is the magic word?” He responded with “Abracahabra”!
I am tickling your feet!
I am tickling your nose!
I am tickling your neck!
I am tickling your belly!
Tickle-tickle-tickle.
I thought tickles made everybody laugh)))
One March the leprechaun visited our house and turned the milk green along with some other things. Well, skip ahead to the next November when my son was almost about to turn three. He went to the potty (to poop) and called me in when he was finished. He pointed in the potty and said with complete seriousness, “I guess the leprechaun did it.” It was green. I laughed so hard. One of those things I wished I had caught on video.
One other thing that the same son just did recently, was draw a hilarious picture of me. First he drew my head, then two legs coming directly out of my head, two arms coming right out of my legs, eyes, nose, mouth, feet, hands, and hair. Then as an afterthought, he started drawing two circles and coloring them in. They were located between my legs up close to my head, around what looked like the chest area. I was shocked at first, but then I asked, what are you drawing now? He answered again with complete seriousness, “your knees, of course.” I wish you could see the picture. It totally looks like he drew my breasts.
lol! like like like like like like like! we need a like button on here just like facebook! 🙂
my 5-month-old 17-pound baby girl was on her belly on the floor on grandpas house playing with her little squeak toy froggy. next to her, laying on her belly was my 52-pound 5 year old pointer/catahoula leapard dog playing with her squeak toy bone. both the baby and the dog were chewing on their toys, so they were squeaking like mad. my dad looks over at the baby and the dog, side by side, squeaking away and says “congratulations! its not a baby, its a dog!”
ok this is just a joke( so hopefully no one will get offended) … I’ll keep it clean ( for some reason it has always cracked me up)!
Jiminy cricket ( or however you spell his name), The hunch back of Notre dame, and Sleeping beauty were all sitting around chatting and and the cricket said I think I’m the smallest person in the world, sleeping beauty said I think I am the most beautiful and the hunchback said I think I must be the ugliest. So the cricket said, “I Know” let’s go to the Guinness Book of World records they are sure to know.
So the cricket enters the office at the GBofWR and then comes running out and says “I knew it , I was right I am the smallest person in the world”, The sleeping beauty goes in and the same thing happens, she runs out and says I new it I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Finally the hunchback goes in and comes back out and says ” Who the F**k is Camilla Parker Bowles? (Get it… hahaha cracks me up … maybe because my husband is british I have to hear all about it)!
What did the farmer say when he saw a brown chicken and a brown cow trying to mate?
BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW! (to the tune of bow chicka bow wow!)
Soo I am going to share three stories with you that make me laugh everytime
…the most recent happened today…I was pulling out the Jonny jump up to my put my newest little one in, and my son Caleb who is 7…says…”I wish it was called the Caleb jump up…. I said why?… He said it is not fair that I named it after Jonny!!! (my oldest son is Jonathan whom we call Jonny)….
So I have always taught my kids about the bible…we talk a lot about God and his son Jesus……and I teach them that Jesus is the Son …. and God is the father… One day we were driving in the car and my son Kevin says…Mom..if Jesus is the “sun” who is the moon???….ha ha..just made myself laugh…(it is funny to me how there little minds connect dots, or not connect dots)
And one more…
Recently my 2 year old was walking around the house not saying a word…he then climbs on my bed, and my husband trys to talk to him, he will not talk at all…my husband says, Joel open your mouth..well Joel opens his mouth and out comes tons of dinner and slobber…
Hope this made you laugh!!!
This is a funny email I got many years ago that cracks me up to this day. It is in no way politically correct, so if you are easily offended then please don’t read! 🙂 (It’s about those cute “Little Golden Books” that we’ve all bought at the store at one point or another. These are the ones that never made it to print! lol)
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables”
“Dad’s New Wife Robert”
“Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share”
“Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
‘Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“All Cats Go to Hell”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly”
“That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption!”
“The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator”
“The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way”
“You Were an Accident”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games”
“The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan”
“Your Nightmares Are Real”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
I have two funnies: one is true, the other I read somewhere (probably a forwarded email).
True Story: My five year old male cousin was playing on his mom’s bed when he fell off and landed by stradling a box. It was the first time he experienced the pain of hitting himself between the legs, if you get my drift. After he recovered, he asked his mom what happened. Always wanting to tell the truth, she replied, “those are your testicles. When you hit them or your fall like you did, it will hurt very badly.” He accepted this explanation and went on his way. The next day, she walked into her bedroom to see him completely naked examining himself in the mirror. He asked, “What are these things again?” She told him and he thought about it for a second and of course asked, “what are they for?” Again, wanting to give a completely truthful answer, she said, “When you grow up and get married, you will need those to have a baby with your wife.” He accepted this and went on his way. The next day, he asked the most obvious question, “why will I need these to have a baby? How do you make a baby?” She wanted to give an honest answer, but something that would be age appropriate. She told him that there was a seed that the daddy gives the mommy and they put it in her belly and a baby grows. He then asked, “how does the seed get in the mommy’s tummy.” She hesitated and told him she would think about how to explain it and get back with him. He then told her, “nevermind… I know all about it.” She asked for his explanation and this was his reply: “The mommy and the daddy hug very tightly and the seed travels up the mommy’s leg and into her belly button where the baby starts to grow.” We all agree that this is the best explanation ever.
Next funny (it’s probably not true, even though I could see my father doing this):
A grandfather and granddaughter have a weekly ritual of taking a nice drive together every Sunday. One Sunday, the grandfather isn’t feeling well, so the grandmother takes her granddaughter on the drive. When they return, the granddaughter excitedly runs to the grandfather to tell him about her day. He asks, “how was your drive with Grandma?” The granddaughter replies, “it was great! And guess what!?! We didn’t see one stupid b#@$%^d or dumb-a$% driver all day!”
my 3 year old is potty training and thinks it’s funny to change his own poopy pullup and hide it in his drawers of his dresser. not to funny to me. 🙂
When I bought my current house the door locks were on the outside of the doors. My DS Sam was 18 months old and fascinated with door knobs. I went into my daughters room to help her get ready for school. The next thing I knew slam went the door and click went the lock. Sam is standing outside the door laughing. I tried going out the window, but the window was painted shut.
We banged on the door and yelled for help to no avail. After 3 hours I finally got the door open and my very pregnant self had to pee really bad. I stopped short when I saw the living room. Sam had “fingerpainted” the living room and himself with diaper rash cream. I call poison control on the way to my daughter’s school. (She is 3 hours late). When I tell the man Sam had smeared Desitin everywhere so I had no idea how much he injested he asked, “And where were you when all of this was happening? I just had to laugh.
I have a 4yr old boy and yes he knows abt my cpns. We were in Target and he wanted to buy a toy and Daddy said “we cant get that one lets find another one” My 4 yr ols says why, i want this one…UMM we can use one of Mommys cpns, she was alot!!!…..
OMG that was a great laugh for us.
My next door neighbor has a little boy and I was visiting one day when it was his nap time. He was three at the time and I watched him as he drug his little blankie up the stairs and as he did, he said, “I’m so sick of this!”
My dad came to visit my almost 3-year-old daughter a few months ago. He said “Hey, Ema, I brought you a suprise. Do you want to know what it is?” She replied in an excited voice “TACOS!!” We all laugh each time we think about it. (The surprise was a cupcake.)
My 4yr old son met Daddy at the door when he came home from work. He said, “Daddy, I’m watching a movie!” Daddy, trying to have fun with him said, “No you’re not. You must be making it up.” My son, being 4 and wanting to disagree with everything said, “I’m not making it up, I’m making it down.”
My friend’s mom came to visit. Grandma was helping to dress the kids for an outing when she asked one of the 4 kids where her mom kept her socks. Jenny quickly replied,”In the dryer.”
I have two sweet little boys. One is three and the other is nine months old. Sometimes my three year old can be a real “rough-houser.” I told him the other day to please play more carefully around the baby and because he is “fragile.” My older son replies…. “Mommy- is Evan made of glass?” HE HE:)
My 4 year old was riding with me to run some errands the other day. Driving through town he tells me what all the signs mean, interesting facts about the clouds & so on. I tell him, the proud Mommy I am “You are sooo smart buddy, I love having smart kids.” He gets quiet, looks out the window & says “Well, Dad don’t like having smart kids!” I am a bit confused, then he says again “He don’t like smart-alec kids,” Cracked me up!!! He obvioulsly doesn’t understand what a smart-alec kid is, but his dad has told him he doesn’t like them! LOL
Y did Tigger have his hand in the toilet?
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He was looking for Poo!
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke ‘er face.
Three guys, American, French and British competing to see who is going the get to milk a cow the most in 2 hours period!
The French guy got half gallon, the British got 1 gallon and the American got 10 ounces. The competition jury gave the prize to the American!!! The French and British guys did not like it and started protesting. But here comes the jury,” We offered each of you a Cow to milk but we gave the American a BULL! And sure enough, he did milk it!”
One night my husband had some of his gaming buddies over and I had made a trip to Publix. After putting away everything I took a few packages of cookies I had just purchased during my trip to the guys. There were so excited. My husband asked why I got them and I said cause I had coupons & they were on sale. His friend’s response.: (sarcastically) Brittany, I never would have thought that you had a coupon! LOL!
Our son wanted to go outside and play on his new swing set and asked his father to go with him. My husband said ok wait a minute. To a 3 year old a minute is forever, lol. After a minute our son said “Come on dad, I don’t have all day”, hee hee. My husband looked at me and said “he gets his sarcasm from you”! LOL
In response to a question about who broke a colander recently, my 5 year old answered “I don’t know but I prefer it’s Lydia” (his 6 year old sister.)
when my son was three years old he said Mom some people were born naked. I said really , were you? He said yes. Then I asked Was I born naked? he said I don’t know I wasn’t there!
My six year-old nephew recently went to a church retreat with his parents. Before eating supper at the church, he asked if he could say the prayer in front of everyone. The pastor said sure! Everyone bowed their heads and then my nephew lifted his hands in the air and said “Power Rangers, Come!”
I was in Academy Sports with my dad, husband, and kids. My dad and I were standing by the exercise equiment and I was holding my youngest (who was 2 months at the time) when this lady walks up to talk to us. She was going on about how she teaches swim classes and how I should pour a cup of water over my baby’s head when I’m bathing her (so she gets used to the water) and so on. Well, she finishes talking and turns to walk away but instead walks right smack into a pole! I mean head on collision! Like something you see on tv and you’re thinking that had to have been planned! So she smacks into the pole and just stares at the pole like “where did you come from?” for like a minute never saying anything and never moving. My dad finally asked her if she was alright and she says “yes, just very embarrassed” and walks away. We didn’t laugh at all which is the stange thing because how can you not laugh but we didnt! Until that is, my husband walks up. He missed the whole thing so we thought we should tell him what happened. I tried, and tried, and tried but every time I opened my mouth to tell him I laughed even harder and so did my dad. We had tears pouring down our faces! We did finally tell my husband and we still laugh about it to this day!
My husband is in between vehicles and is driving a truck my dad gave him for free! It has the oil change sticker in the top left corner of the windshield and the other day he was noticing it and looking at the odometer to see when it needed oil. As he watched the odometer he realized it wasn’t moving!!! It was actually broken!!!! He laughed hysterically, thinking, I wonder how long that has been that way!!!!!
Why did the skeleton stay home from the party?
‘Cause he had NO BODY to go with!
My three year old got a hold of his sisters markers one day and walked into my room with green marker all over his shirt and pants. I asked him “Why did you draw all over yourself? His reply was “that’s why I’m no apposed ta have markers mommy, I draw on stuff”.
Same child, different day:
One night, while he has a cold, he asks my husband and I before bedtime if he can sleep with us. My husband tells him “as long as you don’t cough all over me all night. His response “, ok, I will do that on mama”.
I tend to be a very modest person. For this reason I had anxiety about the upcoming birth of my daughter and how I was going to to explain to my 4yr old son about breastfeeding. When we brought her home I figured there was no point in hiding or covering up….he’s going to see what’s going on sooner or later. So I feed her…..and he watches and watches and watches and finally he says “Mommy, when I was a baby did I eat your chest too?”!!!!
I didn’t realize that 9 is the new 16. Well, my 9 year old daughter thinks this is the case and tries so hard to use the “teenage” vocabulary although she doesn’t really know how. Well, last night at dinner out, she commented how insanely great the meal was. Hubby and I looked at each other and just shook our heads and laughed. I never knew shrimp pasta from Captain D’s was insanely great until now! LOL.
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9 (seven ate nine).
At Thanksgiving last year, I thought it would be appropriate to take a moment to teach our 3 year old little girl about being thankful. So before we ate our dinner I told her that we would “go around the table and tell God what we are thankful for”. She looked at my with a puzzled look and said “around?” — yes, I replied. First I will go, then you will go and Daddy will be last. So I kept my thankful prayer short – “thank you God for our family etc…” I was surprised when it was her turn to hear the chair legs scraping the floor and I looked up to find her on the other side of the table telling God what she was thankful for. I started to get on to her for getting up when I realized what she was doing — “going around the table” telling God what she was thankful for. It took all we could do not to die laughing at her walking around the table during prayer!
I asked my kid what kid of sandwich he wanted for lunch? His answer was an ice cream sandwich!! Go figure!
My in laws came to church with us a few week ago. My mother in law always gives the girls a dollar to put in the offering plate so they can give something too. Well the plate went around and my 6 yr old did not put her money in. As it was going by us I asked her where it was. My 7 yr old said “it is in her pocket mommy”…I went ahead and passed the offering plate so not to hold up everyone. I told her that she needed to give me the dollar so we can put it in the plate after church. She informed me that she wanted to buy an ice cream with it!!! Needless to say…the dollar got put in the plate and she learned a lesson!!!
My cousin was watching my son and had to take him and her daughter to the store. My son said that he was going to pretend that my cousin’s little girl was his sister. An elderly woman came up to them in the store and commented on how cute the little girl was. My son replied “I know, she’s my baby sister, you can pet her if you want to!” Like she’s a puppy or something! Can you tell he’s an only child?
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! “My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL’ and there’s nothing in the mailbox!”
My four year old really pays attention to my coupon habits. One day we were fixing to go shopping and I told her to wait I needed toake a quick list. She responded by saying, “we don’t need a list, the coupons are our list” she is going to make someone very happy when she saves so much money shopping.
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese!
Because I live in Florida and my parents live in Indidana, we often skype with one another so they can see their 3 year old grandson. But one morning I was watching my friends video blog and he woke up and came and sat on my lap. Just sitting there on my lap sucking his thumb and holding his blanket, he watched for about 2 minutes without saying a word. Then all of the sudden he said, “Mommy.” I looked at him, and he put his hands on my face and turned it toward the computer and said, “Mommy, talk.” The whole time he was sitting there, he thought I was skyping with my friend and apparently I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. 🙂
A friend of my sister’s conversation w/ her 3 year old daughter Gretta: “Gretta, after dinner would you like to take a bath or a shower?” Gretta, “Momma, you be in charge of Momma…..Gretta will be in charge of Gretta.” I THINK this gets less cute when they become a teenager, right?
We live in Alabama and my son learning the ABC’s went like this ABCDEFGHIJK-Alabama-P QRSTUVWXYZ
Wholives in a pineapple under the sea? No one thanks to BP
When my nephew was 5 sitting next to my grandmother. He ask my grandmother, “why her skin was melting off?” He was referring to her arm and elbow skin. The room broke into laughter and my grandmother told him, “Cause I’m old.” I think what made it so funny was he was being truly honest and curious about it.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
When I was a kid, I was sitting in church and heard the pastor talking about heaven. He said that heaven was more beautiful than our minds could comprehend – no brambles, thorns, briars…. I turned to my mom and said upset, “Mom – there’s not going to be an Breyer’s in heaven?”
Three guys are talking in a bar. The first guy says: “I’m an astronaut so I drive a Saturn.” The second guy says: “Well, I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.” The third guy says: “Well I have you both beat, I’m a proctologist and I drive a brown Probe.
I moved back to Atlanta a couple of years ago, my daughter was 5, she had never met my College girlfriends and knew me as her Mom named Rebecca.
On the way home from a fun evening with my girlfriends and their children my little one said “Mommy don’t you think you and your friends are a little old for an imaginary friend named Becky, you answer for her and everything Mom”….during college all my friends called me Becky, my little one had never heard me called by my maiden or nick name!!!
[IMG]http://i31.tinypic.com/2yk01g5.jpg[/IMG]
I have exotic hermit crabs, I call my tank a crabitat 🙂 My 3 year old daughter found 3 shells on the stand and decided to call them her crabs 🙂 She has decided that she needs a crabitat now and has invisible bowls, saltwater pool for them and all and even walks her “crabs” and feeds them too. It just makes you laugh when she tells me what her crabbies are doing.
When my son was 4 years old, we went to WalMart. He saw an elderly lady in a scooter and said to her “hey! I know why you are in tht scooter!” She replied. “why?” He said “because you are Oooold, really ooold! That’s why.”
A couple weeks ago I was changing my 4 month old’s diaper/clothes. After I stripped him down I said, “He’s naked!” To which my 3 year old replied, “Yay! Now we can eat him!” Random, right?
My husband and I were driving the kids home from a day out at the zoo recently. My six-year-old daughter Gracie looked out the window and said, “Hey, look! I see a car with a flat tire!”
Her twin Kaitie chimed in, “How do you know it has a flat tire?”
“Because it has a donut,” replied Gracie, matter-of-factly.
“A donut!” Kaitie said, shocked, “I want to find a car with a donut!”
“Ok,” Gracie said, “but you have to find one that has sprinkles.”
My husband, Matt, and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Matt in computer jargon, which confused us even more.
“Sir,” my husband politely said, “please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old.”
“Okay,” the computer technician replied. “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”
When my oldest girl was 4yrs old we were taking a shower together when she turned and looked at me very seriously and asked. Mommy when I grow up will I have long boobies like yours. All I could do was laugh and say I hope not.
My eldest son was 2 and he was working on beginning sounds. For example, I would say tent and he would use the “tuh” sound and figure out it started with “T”. We went to the post office to mail some packages a week before Christmas- so it w…as PACKED. Literally line out the door. While we were in line he would point to things and give me the beginning letter. He went on and finally said “P” is for post office. And me, the encouraging Mom, said “That right! Good Job!” We had finally got to the front of the line and I hear him say “P” is for Penis. (We had just started potty training and decided to use “politically correct” words. When he said it, I was like okay, I don’t think anyone heard it….just don’t say anything. Well, he thought that because I hadn’t said anything, I didn’ hear him and he SCREAMED “P” is for Penis! The entire postoffice of 50 people or more got quiet and all eyes were on me. I could feel the heat of embarassement rising up from my feet. I sheepishly turned around and explained that we were potty training….and everyone started laughing. As we were walking out everyone ws saying “Good Luck Potty Training Kiddo!”
My youngest daughter and 2 youngest sons, who were 4,5,and 6 at the time were outside playing in the sandbox. I looked out to check on them and saw a big wet arch on the wood fence near them. I said “Who peed on the fence?” My then 5 year old son stood up and pointing at my then 4 year old daughter said “SHE DID!” My daughter just sat there looking confused. I think she was thinking ‘how could I have done that?’ I wish I had gotten a video of it. He is now a junior in college.
If your an American in the Kitchen, what are you in the Bathroom?…..European:)
My 9 year old granddaughter was in town and invited a friend from our church over to play. I overheard them say, “let’s exchange our Mom’s cell phone numbers so we can be penpals”! I thought it was a riot – a sign of the times – good grief!
My twins were 3 yrs old when we took them to Sea World.We also brought my mom(the twins Grammaw)along with us. My boy/girl twins often talked, cried or shouted in unison(which we referred to as “in stereo”)
My twins loved anything sea related, especially the fish. Only problem was that they had a problem prounouncing words that started with f, as well as pronouncing the sh sound which sounded like tch .
Well My mom was standing outside of an aquarium and my twins were standing near the entrance. Inside the entrance was an elderly womans club and they were gathered near the glass wall enjoying all of the assortment of fish swimming by.
My twins, very excited to see so many fish, pointed to the aquarium,in the exact direction where the womens club were standing and they shouted out ::in stereo:: “Look ,Grammaw, LOOK AT ALL THE BI***ES!!!!
My poor mom was not only embarrased by twins pronunciation, but by the glaring eyes of the 10 very well dressed elderly women,who also stood there in utter shock.
I was glad enough to be far away and laugh my but off,but also far enough that at that point in time :they were not “my babies”: lol.
I was close enough to not only see my moms expression but the sheer horror in all 10 womens eyes
I did not come to my moms rescue,I beat feet rather quickly and left my mom alone with her precious grandbabies.
My mom and I still chuckle whenever we talk about that incident
My second son’s name is Owen….his favorite joke goes like this….
Knock, knock….
Who’s there?
Owen.
Owen who?
Oh-when the saints, Oh-when the saints, Oh-when the saints go marching in…..
Ha!
I have many funny experiences as a teacher. The following is why you shouldn’t bother to outfox a middle school student.
One day, I really needed to get to the phone to call a parent for a couple of minutes. I taught 6-8 grade Special Education. The phone was in a room right across the hall from me. No aide or other adult was around. I said, “No one had better get out of his or her seat or make a sound. If you do, it will be on the tape recorder.” I set up the tape recorder, hit play, and left.
Immediately, when I came back to the room, the students started yelling, “Ralph farted on your tape recorder!” I hit the rewind button. “BONK!” Sure enough, Ralph had farted to make a point! I was NOT about to take that to an administrator and keep a straight face while saying, “You need to listen to this unwanted expulsion of gas!” The perfect crime!
A woman in her 40’s had a dream where God came to her and told her that she would live for another 40 years 8 months and 2 days. When she woke up she decided that since she was going to live that long she needed to look good. She had several plastic surgerys (a face lift, lipo, breast implants, a nose job). Several weeks later she was going out to dinner and had a car wreck. She died. When she got to heaven she asked God about the dream and why she died so early. God answered “I didn’t recognize you.”
We where on vacation at the beach and when we got there my three year, 9 month old and myself went up to the room. We have been here before and my three year old knows that if you go out the sliding glass door you can stand on the balcony and look out at the beach. So we get in the room and she takes off towards the door and runs right into it. She didn’t realize it was close, of course I made sure she was ok before I started to laugh. She says “Mommy thats not funny.” When my husband and other daughter got to the room I told them and now my three year old thinks the story is funny.
When my daughter was in 1st grade, one of the students in the class lost her dad, When she came home and told me, I asked her “Did you tell her you were sorry?”. She looked at me very serously and said “Why I did didn’t kill him”
A few months back, I was picking out clothes for my then 3 year old son, he was in the living room and I was in his room, I was inquiring if he had underwear under his PJs as he typically does not…so here it goes… ME: “Aiden to you have underwear on?” Aiden: “Under my jammies??” ME: “Yes” Aiden: “No, only butt and penis” The End. LOL LOL LOL!
When I was about 10, my aunt was having a baby and needed help with her other kids while her husband was at work etc. My mother and I flew to where she lived to help take care of my other cousins. My mother and I went to the store to grab a few things quickly and brought my 3 year old cousin with us. When we were getting ready to leave the store my cousin looked at an employee and pointed at my mother and says loudly in an accusing tone “She’s not my mommy!”. We were so embarrassed and it took a little explaining for the employee to understand we weren’t kidnapping her and that my mom was her aunt.
When I was on vacation last week, just for fun, I visited several Publix stores to check out coupons and see if there were any deals, found lots of coupons Kashi being the best
This week, my teen-age son came limping into the kitchen asking for advil and ointment. “What happened to you?”, I asked. He went beet-red and finally stammered out that he had decided it would be a good idea to cut out the mesh lining in his swimming suit because he didn’t like the way it felt. He thought “hanging free” was awesome and headed to a pool party. The fabric in his swimsuit had rubbed him raw in his private area! I didn’t dare laugh, but I did ask him if he wanted to go purchase a new swimsuit now that his was unwearable.
My daughter (11) and I are avid Publix shoppers. We have “Mommy/Daughter” date night every Friday night shopping at Publix. Well, my husband has laughed at our “coupon frenzy” on many occasion although he LOVES the savings. With my husband’s upcoming 60th birthday on August 16th, I wanted to plan a party. Hubby doesn’t appreciate surprises so I told him about it. HE suggested that we not have a “birthday” party but instead a “We finally get to save 5% off at Publix” party. So guess what the invitations says? You guessed it – we are having a coupon party! Of course, the invitations had to say “no presents please” (his request) so after getting his “approval” on the invitations, I printed out some sticker to go on the back (without his knowledge) and asked everyone, in lieu of presents, to please bring coupons for items that an “older” person would use! I can’t wait to see his face. Coupons really aren’t presents, right?
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden…….
‘Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.’
‘Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.’
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
‘Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. ‘Eees a bacon tree.’
‘Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.’
‘Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree’.
And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.
‘Pepe… go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree..’
‘Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?
‘Pepe… ees not a bacon tree…
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
When my brother and I were young, we played outside a lot. After a whold day of running around we came in for dinner. At the dinner table, my brother (5 at the time) complained that his legs were sore from all of the running and jumping. My father suggested he get some “Bengay” to ease the pain. At the suggestion, my little brother jumps up, screams, ” I haven’t been gay with anybody!” and runs out of the kitchen. He did’t come out of his room the rest of the night…even after my father explained!
We were out at Target and a little past the kids naps (so listening was not as good as usual). So the almost 2 yr old son was in the seat and the 3 1/2 yr old daughter was in the cart basket. There were several clearance clothes in the baby area and to my surprise some little girl panties were on sale! I handed them to my daughter who went “Uwww! Pretty princess! So we went over to the clearance clothes racks and i was looking on the lower rack I hear “I put it on.” I turned around to find my daughter standing up in the cart basket with her capris and panties down around her ankles with a new pair of panties in her hands ready to get them on! I jerked up and yanked her pants up (giving her a weggy) and proceeded to try to explain to her why we couldn’t change in public. She proceeded to attempt to try two more times before the point was made to me I needed to set the panties on the bottom part of the cart. Luckily only the security cameras and about 5 other people got the moon show she produced.
When I worked at an assisted living home, one of my favorite residents, Mr. Lee came off the elevator with his pants unzipped. I quietly pulled him to the side and explained that he may want to fix the problem before he entered in to the lunch room filled with people. He stood there for a moment, motionless, and looked me right in the eyes and said, “Honey, I am 87, and what can’t get up, can’t get out!”
Last week I took my 11 year old son and 5 yr old twins to the Lab. My son had to get his check-up. When the lady gave him a cup to go pee in, one of the girls gave me the most disgusted look and said “What is wrong with this place! They don’t even have a bathroom!!!”
My grandson Isaac is 4 yrs. old. We went to church for a cookout. After eating, Isaac wanted to go jump in the blow-up bouncy tents. He played for a while and then came back up to me limping. I asked him, “Did you get hurt?” He says, “I broke my twisty bone, granny.” I asked him, “Whats a twisty bone?”
He pointed to his knee.
My husband is in sales & to break the ice he tells short little jokes. My children rotate & travel with him & there is a joke that they have heard over and over.
Dropped the kids off at Vacation Bible School & my husband and I went to dinner. About 30 minutes later I had to run in & check something really fast in the lobby area of the church and I could hear my sons voice on a microphone. “What did the fish say when it hit the wall?”
… OOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOO … I knew the punch line & … then after a brief pause he said it …. “DAM” … (load and clear).
I swear I could hear crickets (it was SO quiet) as I slooooowly backed out of the church lobby. THEN someone spotted me …. she said “we were all like … did he JUST say DAM?” …. THEN it hit them. Some were still in shock, but others laughed so hard they couldn’t stand up. I reported this information back to my husband … he got QUITE a kick out of it. (I was MORTIFIED) LOL!!!
With 6 kids, I’m always hearing something cute from them. For example, one of my girls sneezed, and her brother said, “Ewww yuck, Mommy, she got ‘bless you’ all over me!”
One day in the produce section of Publix when I was shopping with my then 16 month old son, a Publix employee greeted us and asked me if she could give my son “Something rubber that you blow up.” I answered that it depended on just what rubber thing she was planning on giving him, but that a balloon would be just fine. She apparently didn’t want to say the word in case I didn’t want him to have it and I don’t really think she knew what to make of my irreverent comment! 🙂
so im shopping at PUBLIX like everyother sunday except this time i bring my 2 yr old, newborn and my husband bad idea…while crusing through the produce section and trying to BREASTFEED my newborn my 2 yr old decides he needs a diaper change and without me knowing he takes off his sneakers, socks, pants and what else his SOAKED DIAPER..omg my son is full monty in the FRESH FOOD SECTION HOLY CRAP i panic my husband is laughing hysterically while im trying to not spray my son in the face and get the other dressed and they say thats why GOD gave a mother 2 hands
I am a children’s therapist. Recently I was in a therapy session and I was working with one of my teenage males about his anger. I talking about going to a happy place when he starting to get angry to get control of his emotions. He says to me “You want me to go to Taco Bell everytime I get angry?” Hahaha.
My two year old grandson spent the weekend with us this past week. I was sitting up in bed, organizing my coupons, and my husband was watching the Rays baseball game in bed beside me. The grandson was carrying around one of my youngest daughters baby dolls, and climbed up in bed between us. Needless to say, I really did not want to listen the the baseball game, and neither did the grandson. So, based on the circumstances, I made up a little sing song for the grandson to sing to papa.
I don’t like baseball
I play with baby dolls
I’m Gigi’s boy
It was so cute. He must have liked the reaction he got, because he sang it all weekend, lol.
Papa was amused, but of course tried to turn the lyrics around, but the grandson had no part of that.
So I am talking to my best friend on the phone the other night, she is recently divorced. She is telling me about this guy she goes to school with, and her 17 year old son said “mom, he hit on you, did he at least use a good pick up line like, Girl you must be a parking ticket because you have FINE written all over you!”. I just died laughing.
Shopping with my (at the time) 2 year old daughter Molly, she keeps grabbing stuff off the shelves and putting them in the buggy! I keep telling her no, until finally I grab her pudgy little hand and pop it. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs…” HELP! HELP! Mommy’s hurting Molly! HELP!”….My husband and I had just started teaching her to call for help if someone is hurting her! I picked her up, grabbed my bag and left the buggy full of groceries sitting in the aisle! Oh the things little ones say! Just one of the many joys of motherhood!
I have an embarrasing moment that I still get ragged about with family and friends. When I was about 16 or 17, my mom wanted me to get her some gas in her car. We had a locale store close to our home so I drove the car over there and pulled up to the pump. My mom drove a 1990 Toyota Camery at the time. After I pulled up, I called my mom and asked her what kind of gas did she put in there. She was like “What are you talking about.” I said “Well, your car is in between the years on the gas tank.” She was like “WHAT?” I said “Your car is a 90 model and the gas tanks only have 87, 89, or 92. Do you just pick the one closest to your year.” She was like you have GOT to be kidding me. She asked me what kind of gas did I put in my car. I told her that I didn’t have to worry about it because mine was a 1987 model!!!! LOL I thought that the newer cars HAD to get the 92 becuase they hadn’t updated the stickers yet!!!
Wow…I wonder how long I would have thought that until my mom explained it to me. Hee HEE
Ok, I decided to read some of these because I wanted to laugh too and even though I have not read very many, yours has been the funniest so far! I am probably judging a little too soon, but I think you should win! 😀 That’s just too funny!
My 3 yr old was watching me make scrambled eggs. I had a spatula in my hand and I was breaking them up while they were cooking. She turns to me and says-why are you spanking the eggs!?
🙂
This happened many years ago, but still funny to me. I was pregnant with my 2nd child. We were eating dinner one night and my first born looked at me, then looked at his dad and asked if the baby was in mommy’s belly. His dad said yes. He pondered this for a bit and then in all seriousness, asked, “Why did mommy eat a baby?” Oh, out of the mouths of babes!
I am recently new to couponing so I am talking about it CONSTANTLY!! Always bragging about my savings. Well since we are in the military yesterday was the first time I have been around my parents and brother’s family since I started couponing.. We were all sitting in the living room and I was cleaning my binder of coupons out as we are talking about coupons. My brother looks over at me and says “Steph, you would never win at Price is Right.” And I giggle and ask why. He says “I can see it now. What’s the price of this item?” “Well Bob (we’re from the Bob Barker era), that depends. Would that be before coupons or after coupons because I would only pay 5 cents for that item with coupons” He went on to add to his dialogue. “Bob, the store would PAY me to take that car from them because of coupons” “I’m sure I can find a buy one get one free coupon for one of those.” It was a good laugh.
hallarious! I cant help bragging either.
I have been blessed with 2 boys who are currently (Eli) 3 and (Isaac) 2 years old (16 months apart). When my oldest child was 2 and my youngest was 8 months old I was new to couponing and didn’t realize that if at all possbile leave them with someone while shopping if you can. While in Publix I had my oldest son with me in the buggy and while waiting in the checkout line he looked at the gentlemen behind us and said in a 2 year old voice “Isaac was cryin’, he was picthin’ a fit, and he took a “dump” in the bathtub.” I was horrified and the man laughing said “He did what in the bathtub?” I simply smiled and said “Sir you heard him correct the first time.” and all I could do was laugh. Gotta love boys!
I forgot to add that my son’s story was true. They had just started taking a bath together.
I was scheduled to do a wine tasting at Publix – I got all set up in the meat section back by the butcher window. All of the sudden my stomach didn’t feel too good – I desperately tried to put out of sight the opened wine bottles and make a run for it to the restroom at the front of the store. Well… it didn’t go well for me as I left a small trail on the way to the front of the store (shouldn’t have worn a skirt that day!). I made it up front, cleaned myself up and went outside to my car using ads to cover up the back of my skirt. I had a change of clothing in the car. I got in the back seat and proceeded to change and not be obvious. I should have gotten in the front seat and turned the car on as it was August and 97 degrees. By the time I got out of the car and all changed I was dripping wet from sweat. I ran back into the Publix store into the restroom to get paper towels to clean up my path of destruction from leading to the meat department. I looked in the mirror only to see that my mascara had melted from the heat and I looked like a scarey clown. I cleaned up my face and headed back to my wine stand. Cleaning up my small trail on the way only to see that I had left a little trail on the freezer bottom also. All cleaned up and washed up… as a super trooper I went ahead with the wine tasting. My husband and sons were mortified when I told them the story….I always went prepared for anything after that! I should have been drinking the wine… not giving it away!
I have 7 kids so every day is something funny! But this is a recent thing that sticks out in my mind:-). We were going to pick blueberries one day. We had got up really early so every one was a little cranky. While we were driving up there everyone was minding their own buisness listening to their ipods,drawing,reading magazeins etc. Then I hear this OH NO! OH NO! NOOOOOOOOO! I turned around and my 17 year old son had a shocked look on his face, my 15 month old (who had not had a battle movement in a couple of days)had poop all in his carseat,on his clothes, in his hair EVERYWHERE and was rubbing it all over my sons back and arms like finger paint! So we pulled over at a doctors office and cleaned the baby up. We were trying to get the carseat cover off but you had to have a screw driver to get it offbut we did not have one so my son had a pocket knife on hand so we had to cut it off. In the time we were doing this all the nurses were just getting there so we had a lot of strange looks and people tell us that they did not open for another 45 minutes. So we got to the blueberry farm and went on with the day like nothing had happened!
At church this past Sunday my husband ventures to the nursery to pick up our one year old. The lady working the nursery hands him a note where he had fallen and bonked his head and points out a sticker on our son that stated “I had a diaper change”. Our 10 year old son was with my husband and as they leave the nursery Justin our 10 year old removes the sticker and places it on his dad’s back. So Sam got to walk through church with a “I had a diaper change” sticker on his back. Hehehehehe 🙂
Here’s my joke:
Two peanuts were walking down the street… one was a”salt”ed (assaulted)
get it?! ha ha
An older man went to the doctor for a consultation. After the doctor examined him, etc. said, “you are going to die”. The old man said, I want a second opinion. The doctor said “you are ugly too”.
🙂
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? “Dam!”
My all time fave joke… 😉
I lol’d at that 😀
So my 3 yr old daughter and I were at Target last Saturday buying me new bras and like all 3 yr olds she loves to ask 1374328947 questions usually in a very loud voice. So we are heading to the lingerie section and she yells at the at top of her lungs (at least it seemed like that to me), “Mommy, why we buying you new boobies? Is it cause Connor and I made them fall down?” Two ladies actually popped their head out from where they were to see who could possibly have made those hilarious comments. (this is a very true story)
Last night my cousin and her two children were traveling very late from SC to FL to visit us. They stopped in a gas station and teh 14 year old asked the attendant “Do you have any sour patch kids?” to which he was told, in a very thick accent of some type “No salad baskets”!
Excerpts from my life with a 2-year-old:
–No, I doan wan eat dat people! (referring to the Jolly Green Giant on the box of veggies I put in the shopping cart)
–To a 5-row radius after I explained that everybody would take turns getting off the airplane: Everybodee get off dis hairplane because…I need to get off dis plane!
–Upon being told that the sound he hears is Gran blowing up an air mattress with a pump: Does it have milk? (I should note that I am currently nursing his infant sister)
–In response to being asked if he needs to go potty: Maybe in a wittle while…maybe on Saturday (apparently many things will happen on this alleged Saturday, potty training not the least of them…can’t wait for Saturday to arrive around here!)
–Genuine confusion about the word “crazies” and an inability to pronounce the letter “L:” my son, thinking he is telling his daddy the title of a song he wants to listen to, tells my bewildered husband, “I want crap my raisins out.”
histerical. I can hardly stop laughing just to type.
Guess this will be at my four year old son’s expense….but hey, it’s for a $25 gift card, huh? He WILL benefit from it! Soooo….my son, being all boy and super impressed with his pee pee got lazy for a bit and wanted to revert back to pull ups. He tried all sorts of stunts to convience us we needed to buy more pull ups. He told me that something was wrong with his pee-pee and it was making him have to go to the bathroom all the time. He told me that he wanted to go to the doctor to get his ‘pipe’ on his pee-pee checked out. He was VERY sure that a mouse was living in his pipe. He also told me that he was not sure if he should go to the doctor or not because the only way he could see getting the mouse out of the pipe would be to cut the pipe and he was just afraid it would hurt. !!! I have a few other stories related to this situation, but this one seemed the most appropriate one to share….he did get very creative ideas as to why he was having to go to the bathroom so much…and since he was having to go so much why he needed pull ups again…
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…
“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”
This is a bit long to post in a comment box, but I guarantee you’ll laugh! It’s one of our all-time favourites. Squirrel-a-Whirl.
If the story is too long a read… about 8-10 minutes… this clip is shorter, and maybe even funnier.
I was getting ready to go grocery shopping and could not find my coupon book. Searched high and low. The last time I remembered seeing it was at Winn Dixie. First I was mad thinking how could someone steal it from my buggy. Then I was sad, thinking of all the hard work in clipping and organizing that thing. I finally found it in pantry. I got carried away putting up all my great deals from a great day of shopping that I put my bag up too! It was such a relief to find it. It was like finding a long lost friend.
My daughter had bad checks on the very first day of my daughter’s Bridges’ program (the program to get them ready for kindergarten) at her school. I asked her why she was so bad for her teacher. She told me “Mom, it was so very very hard to be good. I don’t think I can handle Kindergarten.” I had to turn my head, and walk out of the room because I was laughing so hard at her.
a blind man walks into the store with his seeing eye dog. all of the sudden he picks up the leash and starts swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to him and asks, What are you doing? the blind man replies, just looking around.
Why does TIGER always smell so bad?
Cause he’s always playing with POOH.
My colleage who is an Indian is planning for her Europe trip. So she went to the bank to get some Euros. She asked the teller if she can exchange some Euros. The bank teller looked at her and responded : “noodle”? No, Euros, European currency, my colleage explained. Ah… the teller said. My colleage said she felt like telling the teller if she wanted noodle, she would have gone to Publix!! When she got back to the office and realyed the story, we had a good laught!!
Heard this one the other day on TV… thought it was cute!!
A 16 year old boy wanted to drive his Dads car…
Dad said he’d have to earn it and work for it, so he needed to bring his grades up, help out around the house.. and cut his hair.
Two months later the boy had his grades up and helped around the house but… didn’t cut his hair.
The Dad asked, “Son, you’ve done everything I’ve asked, I’d love to give you the keys, but why haven’t you cut your hair?”
The Son responded, “Well Dad… I just don’t get it …Jesus had long hair, Moses had long hair.. so I don’t see why it should be a problem if I have long hair”
Then Dad said, “Well in that case, Jesus walked everywhere, Moses walked everywhere… so you should be just fine”
hahaha! Love it!
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.
The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Simple and cute but, usaually baffles anyone who tries to guess…..
“How do you repair a Jack-o-lantern”?
With a “Pumpkin Patch”
I was out shopping one day without kids and husband and returned home to find a big mess! Of course I start ranting and raving!! I saw an empty bag of Oreos! And I yelled to my son, “How the heck many oreos did you eat????” and he replied, “I don’t know, how many are in a row?”
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.” The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
My parents, Pete and Joanne, and I were discussing hunting at dinner one evening. My mother and I recalled (or thought we recalled) that my dad had, at one time, been the owner of some deer scent. My fater denied having ever owned any of the deer scent. We kept insisting that he had, and that it was in a little vial, and that he had used it to go hunting. After some debate, my father got extremely frustrated, threw his arms up in the air and yelled, “Joanne, I have NEVER, EVER had any SCENTS!” We almost fell on the floor with laughter! We could not believe that my father was admitting out loud that he has never had any “sense.” Good times!
Last week, my three year old was doing something(can’t remember now) and I looked at him and said, “Ryan, if you don’t stop, I’m gonna spank your tail!!” He said, “Mommy, I don’t have a tail, I have a buttcrack!!!”
Sad, but true. My daughter, 16, and I, 46, started couponing back in February of this year. Since then, we have become known as the, “family whose daughter is trying to teach the parents what’s going on.” This statement has actually been made by some store employees. When I go in Publix, most of the clerks and baggers know us because we are in there so often, and if I go in alone, they ask where my daughter is because they know I’ll have trouble without her. The saddest/funniest part of it all is that when I go to the store alone, my daughter says, “Call me when you get there and tell me what you need help with.” And, needless to say, I always get confused and have to call her two or three times before I leave the store.
okay, so it’s kinda long, but I laughed so hard
Something to think about before mowing your lawn…..
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this.
The language is a bit salty, but ‘he tells it like it is’ without cursing.
We have the standard 6ft fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then use an 8ft long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I know for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of junk lawnmower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science say you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those pieces of junk chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!, now the lawnmower if starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE die’. But nooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…
I woke up laying on the ground hours later, the lawnmower beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dad spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking form my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seemed to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciated the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
OH MY GOD!!! I think that’s the funniest story I’ve ever heard!
Driving into work the other day with my 5 yr old and the gent on the radio states that it’s Wednesday aka Hump Day. Innocently, my daughter says “Mommy what is Hump Day?” In an effort to try to make it as simple as possible, I take my hand and act like I am drawing a hill and tell her that Sunday it at the bottom of the week and Wednesday is at the top of the week and Saturday is at the bottom of the week. I go back over it again and say, “See punkin, Wednesday is at the peak of the week which is why they call it Hump Day.” There is a brief silence and then she says…”So does everyone hump each other on Hump Day?”…
My daughter is almost 2, and some nights she wakes up and wants mommy to get in bed with her. One very early morning, after I had crawled in bed with her around 2am, she woke up bright as sunshine ready to start the day. I wanted so badly to get more sleep.
I used every trick I could think of to afford myself a few more minutes before I had to get up and change a diaper, fix a sippy cup, breakfast, coffee, do dishes, you know, the whole morning mommy routine. When I was almost out of ideas, I thought of one more thing I could do – maybe I could get Daddy to give me some slack!
I need to explain that usually when I ask my daughter where something is, she goes and gets it. For example, where’s your ball? She runs and gets it.
I didn’t want my husband to know I was trying to set him up. I was in our daughter’s room after all, complete with a baby monitor transmitting into the room where my husband (and formerly I) slept. My last ditch attempt to get a few more minutes of precious sleep was to whisper quietly in the ear of my rambunctious 22 month old.
I whispered, “where’s daddy?” to which she replied in a booming voice, WHERE? I said it again, “where is daddy?” to which she replied, “WHERE? WHERE MAMA? UP MAMA!! UP! (pause) UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! Finally I laid it all on the line and whispered, closing my eyes and hoping…, “can you go find daddy?” to which her response was – surely indicating the beginning of an understanding of sarcasm – the tiniest little whisper “nooo.”
how do you know when saturn’s taking a bath? he leaves a ring around the tub
I taught 9th graders for a number of years. The funniest thing I ever read in a paper is, “My grandparents live in a condom on Myrtle Beach.” Always ready for a good laugh, I asked my student, “How do they fit?” to which he replied, “It’s pretty big!” I have never laughed so hard in a class. 🙂
Years ago when I was in college, I found a stray ktten, whom I named Callie. I took her to the vet for a complete check up. They proceeded to tell me that she had worms. I had to give her medicine once a day for three days. They gave me three syringes of medicine, and I was to return in a week for her next round of shots.
When I returned the follwing week, i expressed how much Callie hated the medication. She ran from me every time I held thr syringe. The nurse looked puzzled. I said “I would run, too, if someone were trying to put medicine up my butt”. She laughed and told me the medicine was to be given orally!
The other day our boss came over and was talking to one of the girls in our department about what movie she was going to see last weekend.
I said, “I want to see ‘Dinner for Schmucks”
Another girl in the department said, “Suzie, you and I could just take Tommy (our boss) out to dinner and live it.”
Tommy proceeded to tell Ashley that in the ten year’s she’s worked here, that was the worst thing she’s ever said to him.
Someone else said, “Maybe to you, but not about you.”
We all got a pretty good laugh out of that one.
My son (5 y/o at the time) and I were watching TV. As he sat quietly watching, a commercial for Vagisil came on. I didn’t think anything about it, just another commercial to me. He watched it intently. Within seconds of the end, he turns to me with his sweet child eyes, so innocent, and says, “Mommy, I think I have a ‘beast’ infection.” I almost feel out of the chair laughing. My son is now 12 and we still joke about his beast infection!
My husband and I were driving home, both of us in seperate cars. I had the kids with me. As we were driving a bad storm passed through. I went through an intersection and out of my rear view mirror saw what I thought was an electrical transformer get struck by lightning. When we got home my husband and I were standing in the kitchen talking about what I saw. I said, “did you see that transformer get struck by lightning?” He responded with, “yes I saw it but I don’t think it was a transformer.” Our then 5 year old son said, ” well, I hope it was a decepticon.”
During the school year i keep one of my friends little boys a couple of days a week. I would take him to the grocery store in which we always got him his free cookie. One time his real mom was with him and the lady at the cookie counter was like- “where is your mom”(to his real mom) We both died laughing later when she told me because we knew it was very sad that her poor little boy was at the grocery store WAY too much(especially with me!!!!)
Okay, its a opening line once used on me: guy came up to me at a bar and just smiled and said, “fat penguin” and I said, “what” and he said “breaks the ice”..lol it did and we ended up dating. Only cheesy “opening line” that has ever worked on me!
In times of caos and confusion I have said ” I just want some peace and quiet”. One afternoon my son was really grumpy and need a nap. When I asked him if he was ready for a nap he said ” Nope, I just need ” a piece of quiet”.
I live between 2 Publix Stores. One is in a very diverse section and has all kinds of people that shop there. The other is in a high end suburb. I went to one in the suburb. When I was checking out I told the cashier that I didn’t have enough coordinated casual wear or helmet hair to shop there. I thought the cashier was going to wet her pants.
Two penguins walked into a bar. One says to the other, “Don’t worry, I didn’t see it either.”
My hubby’s all time favorite joke. Get it – they walked into a bar, like ran into it! It took me a sec the first time but then I busted out laughing!
I don’t know if this counts, but this is definitely the funniest thing I have seen this week.
The following is a live news clip from Huntsville, AL where I live…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxGuig7pxvw&feature=related
And the following is this news clip set to music!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw
While I was nursing my newborn son, my then 3 1/2 year old neice kept staring at me. Finally, she asks me: “What are you doing, Rachael?”. I told her the baby was hungry and I had to feed him. She looks at me very seriously, and without skipping a beat says, “We have some froot loops–he doesn’t have to eat your boobie!”
I had to put the baby down I was laughing so hard!
I am sitting at a family dinner with my 2 year old twins on each side of me they both keeping digging in my plate and when I refused to give my son my roll he looked at me and said “SHARE”. What else could I do but give him the roll. My whole family laughed and said yeah mommy we have to share.
So I am going ot tell you what was at thetime my most embarrassing moment but now i crack up every time I tell it. I am 44. When I was a JR. in college (around 22) I had parked on one end of the college but my last class was all the way on the other end (LONG distance apart). So I stopped at the rest room before making the trek to the car to go to work. I was in a dress and hose. So I am walking across a long bridge and notice a lot of the guys staring and smiling at me. I must have oozed confidence because I just figured I looked really good in that dress. So I smiled back and kept walking. I get to the bank where I worked and walk across the lobby to my station. My head teller calls me to the back with a strange look on her face. I had apparently tucked my dress and slip in my panty hose and had flashed a WHOLE LOT of people at my college AND in the bank lobby. I was mortified. But today I get a good laugh when i tell it. I even told my boss that I thought I was looking good and that is why they were all looking at me. lol
This is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Copy and paste this into your address browser.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OKhPjZ4aRw&NR=1
This will more likely mak you groan, but it’s always been my favorite joke:
What did the dentist give to the marching band? A tuba toothpaste.
HAHAHAAAAAA!!!!! 🙂
Men are always complaining about women suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them complaining you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow! 🙂
My four year old daughter was in the tube with our 18 month old son one night and wanted to know if she could wash his grapes. I said no no no…do not touch his grapes (I was not sure why she was calling them grapes but I was not letting her touch them) After about 5 min of her telling me over and over again that his grapes needed to be washed she said “mommy, when I had a grape you made me wash it?” I was very confused at this point and told her to point to Everett’s grapes. My daughter took her finger and pointed just below his knee to the two scrapes he had from falling earlier! So…I let her wash the grapes, she was right , we did make her wash hers!
When my oldest son was five he was asked to be in Aunt Mary’s wedding (my husband’s sister). He looked puzzled and then asked if Aunt Mary was getting married did that mean that Dad and I were susaned? (My name is Susan). The logic of a five year old. LOL
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’
Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was..’
St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?’
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers..’
Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..’
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter. ‘How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’
Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’
Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…
‘Hold it,’ interrupts St. Peter. ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name’?
‘Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.’
‘Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’
‘Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied. ‘I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
‘Run, Forrest, run.’
I just had a baby girl, Bailey, on July 6th and my sister came to visit along with her 4 year old daughter, Brianna. It came time for me to nurse Bailey and Brianna kept looking at me as the baby was eating. Brianna looked at her mom and said “Mommy I want some milk!” We all craked up laughing! My sister went and got her a glass of milk from the kitchen. Brianna then came back to me and said “Thank you for the milk” as if I had given it to her! I laughed so hard I had to stop nursing until I could stop laughing.
I’ll tell you about my family vacation which could have been the script for National Lampoons . . . Basically, when I was 18, my family decided to take a 2 week vacation up to Ohio, Canada, and then back down the Eastern seaboard. Well, first in Perry, Georgia, we stopped and pitched a tent at a campground. The METAL spikes bent b/c the red clay was so hard and then that night, all we heard were the J-brakes of semis as we were too near the interstate. The next morning, our A/C on our 3 week old van blew up at the rest stop in Chattanooga, TN. I jumped out of the van yelling “It’s going to blow!” Because the a/c was out, we had to ride with the windows open. The back window was the kind that vented and my mother’s formal dress she brought along for her class reunion was on top of everything. She told me to make sure it stayed up and didn’t fall down (as she didn’t want it to wrinkle). Well, I fell asleep and when I woke, it was nowhere to be found. I looked out the back and saw something that looked like a dress on the highway behind us. I yelled “Mom, I think your dress just flew out the back window.” She got hysterical and told my father to stop and go back to get it. My father replies “I can’t; that semi just ran over it.” It turns out that the dress had fallen off to the side, but we didn’t realize that for a few long minutes. We finally arrived in Ohio only to realize they were having a freak mid-Summer cold spell. It was mid-July and the temps were in the 40’s-50’s! We had only brought shorts so we had to go to the local mall and try to buy some warmer clothing. After we visited family in Ohio, we headed towards Canada. We ended up stopping to tent camp in White River, Ontario . . . also known as the coldest place in Canada! The cold snap was still hovering in that area and my warm clothes were packed too far into the van to get them out. So I had to shiver in shorts in 30 degree weather! The next day, my father wouldn’t let me walk by myself to the showers (about 2 miles away) so I proceeded to wash my hair in a sink and blow dry it in a little outhouse for RV’s. We finally made it to the fishing lodge in Ignace, Ontario – only for my little 5-yr. old brother to promptly get lost. The whole fish camp was looking for him for an hour before we found out he followed two little twin girls to a guide’s house. It rained for about 3 days straight but our supposedly waterproof tent (which was purchased just before the trip) wasn’t! We ended up soaked and on the third day, my Dad had had enough, especially when he woke up literally floating on his little mat. We thought our troubles were over, but we learned they weren’t when our boat motor died, at dusk, on a deserted lake. I began screaming at the top of my lungs and rowing to try to get back to shore while my Dad tried to fix the motor. Lo and behold, there was one other boat around a cove and they heard someone screaming and came to our rescue. After we left Canada and headed down the East Coast, things were quite as hectic though we did end up in a hotel suite in Washington D.C. that didn’t quite have sleeping quarters for 4 as they advertised (half the sleeper sofa was broken). We eventually made it home safe and sound and pretty dead set against ever tent camping again. Of course, this story sounds completely made up, but I promise it is ALL true, every word. All we can do is laugh about it now.
My middle son (Cameron) was 6 last year. He went thru a stage where he was obsessed with money. Not having it persay, but how much each dollar and coin was worth, what added up to what, which president was on which coin or dollar, etc. So when were visiting his grandparents, I heard his grandfather ask if anyone knew where the $100 bill was that he had put on the counter. Cameron innocentley said “it’s in my pocket.” My husband and I quickly explained to him that it always wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. Cameron said “I didn’t think Papa would mind. Would he care if I took a $10?”
Ok, so this is what happend to my DH in May. I laugh uncontrolably every time I think about it.
DH was at a natural landfill dumping limbs and debris from our yard, he was wearing nylon running pants to keep from getting poison ivy. He felt something on his leg under his pants and looked down to see a snake tail hanging out of the bottom of his pant leg (DH HATES SNAKES). He pulled his pants and underwear down to his ankles, grabbed a stick and started hitting the snake in his pants. He was outside with about 30 other people at the landfill, all of them were laughing. My husband said, he could not take the time to just pull down his pants when a snake was heading up his leg. I keep waiting for the video to show up on U tube.
when my two sons where young i think nathan was 13 and walt was 7 we had went to pubic pool in our county, we were there about 2 hors and my youngest son and i were playing in the water and i ducked my body into the water and when i came up my bathing suit top came off and i didnt realize it so i was streching and getting water out of my face, my oldest son was standing talking to his friends against a brick wall, when i opened my eyes the look of horror in his eyes he was trying to go thru the wall,my other son was laughing mommy your boobies are swinging in the wind,thats when i realized my top had come off, parents where getting there kids out of the pool men of course were just staring with their mouths open, i didnt have time to be emberessed laughing so hard the look on my 13 year old sons face i will never forget
Oh, he also got poison ivy, everywhere which he is highly allergic to. When I first heard this story from him, about how his pants were down around his ankles whie he was beating a snake with a stick I thought he was joking.
My best friend had had a fight with her hubby. So she packed herself an overnight bag and headed to the beach to stay at a nice hotel… to have some quiet relaxing time! She found a beautiful facility, with a large lighted fountain in the front. Talk about curb appeal… it was the place for R&R. She had been crying and looked a fright, but boldly gathered her bag and headed into the lobby. She went to the front desk and asked the receptionist for a room. The lady responded. ” I am sorry miss, but this is a nursing home!” Needless to say, my mortified friend gave her the sob story. The receptionist was kind and they chuckled together. My friend was in hysterics laughing at how silly she must have looked and the hilarity of the situation and called her hubby to share. They “made up” and she drove the hour back home! They are still happily married! But we still laugh and reminisce about that time!! 🙂
True story! Really. 🙂 A friend said she wanted to learn about computers so her brother came over to help her. They sat down and he said to her, “Ok right click”. She said she looked and him and said, “Write click?” He said, “Yes, right click!” So she said she reached for a pen and paper and wrote click! She did not understand why he said forget it and left.
I am a second grade teacher and the last day of school one of my Jamiacan students walked into my class and pointed towards my classroom as she said,” My grandmother has the same color as you. I said, “Purple?”. She said “no white and it is not a disease either.” I could not stop laughing as I knew she was refering to Michael Jackson and his color.
I just heard this joke and could not stop laughing.
There were a bunch of old men sitting around one day playing chess in the park. They were talking about marriage when one of them piped up.
“Guiseppe, I hear you have been married nearly 50 years! Please, tell the rest of of this how you did it!”
“Well,” Guiseppe says, clearing his throat and puffing out his chest. “I takea good care of my wife. I love her, I take her places, good places. On our 25th wedding anniversary I take her to Italy!”
“Wow,” everyone says, nodding their heads in agreement that Guiseppe is indeed a romantic guy.
“So, what you gonna do for your 50th anniversary?” one of them asks.
“Oh,” says Guiseppe, “that is easy. This time I a bringing her back!”
I was going through a tough time after the death of my husband. It was three years after his death, and I wanted to start dating again. I had been married for more than 20 years and the thought was scary. I read a book called, Who moved my Cheese?. The book is centered around several mice, who lose their cheese due to various life circumstances. After I read the book, I kept telling my best friend that, “I need some cheese.” Several weeks after reading the book, my friend and I went out to a local resturant and started talking with several people. After a period of conversation, one of the men asked if we wanted to see his tattoo. He lifted his shirt and it said, “cheeze” , that was his nickname. It really made me laugh. I stoped telling my firend that I needed some cheese after that.
I am a proud mother of three and expecting number four. My youngest is three and is as sassy as they come. I have to go to the baby doctor and since Emma is 3, I have her tag along. The doctor is listening to the babies heart beat and Emma says “Doctor Enyart, can you beleive that mommy used a coupon to get that baby?” puzzled the doctor says “really?” Emma says “she went to the store bought a box, used her coupons, came home and went in to the bathroom and when she came out Mommy told daddy we are having a baby!” Emma continued to say “I never want to use coupons, I am to little to have a baby”. This made me laugh till I cried.. A baby from a box.. Who knew maybe next time I can get one BOGO… LOL
I laughed out loud reading this story! Hilarious! I too have a very “aware” 3 yr. old who says things like this all the time. I love their honesty!
I would love to win this gift card! August 8 is my 34th birthday, and it would be a wonderful surprise!
When I was a little girl (the youngest of 3 girls in my family), my mom would often hang clothes to dry on her outside clothesline. When she would send one of us girls out to collect the clothes off the line, she would remind us to get certain items. Trying to be discrete for my little brother’s sake, she would spell the names of our girlie undergarments. Having heard her say many times, “Don’t forget the B-R-A’s,” my little brother (about 3 years old at the time) piped up, “Don’t forget the S-N-T’s!” when he heard Mom sending my sister out to collect the clothes one day! It has been a standing family joke ever since!
The absolute funniest thing ive ever seen was Miss Teen South Carolina
answering the question about maps.. OH MY GOSH. When Im having a bad day
I you tube the clube and Im magically all better….lol,.
what does a toast fart sound like?….
burnt!
My favorite clean joke: How do you catch a unique rabbit? YOU NEEK UP ON IT! HA!- I love that one!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way! Ha ha ha. (this is not my entry i just could not resist finishing the joke)
I was thinking about something that could make you laugh and I decided not to tell a job but to tell you the truth. I would use the $25.00 gift card to take myself and my husband to the movies…………..The last movie we saw was Smokey and the Brandit with Burt Reynolds! We really need to get out! LOL
When my husband was on a church mission back in the 80’s he and his companion would go door to door talking to people. One day a woman opened the door and upon seeing him reared back and slammed the door only for it to swing back open. She looked at him with surprise and tried to slam it again. The door swung back open. This time she was FURIOUS and as she was about to try one more time, he looked down and said, “Ma’am you may want to move your cat!”
When my cousin was around 10 yrs. old he spent a lot of time helping my grandfather do yard work. My cousin was using large hegde clippers to trim the bushes and my grandfather was watering the garden. When my grandfather finished he yelled for my cousin to “cut off the hose”! He did, with the hedge clippers.
My teenage son just got back from camp and his cousin asked him if got any cute girls phone numbers. He told him, “Yeah, I got six. One more and I would have had a full phone number.” It cracked us up!
This is one of my favorite mommy stories. My son Justin, who is now 11, was almost 3 years old and had constant ear infections. My mom and dad were watching him for me while I went to work because he was on antibiotics yet again. We live in Florida and my parents were always looking for a reason to go to the beach. I told them it was fine but because of the ear infection I did not want Justin going into the water any deeper than his kidneys so the waves did not splash water into his ears.
When I picked him up I heard all of the wonderful stories of his adventures from the day. My dad was worried that he was afraid of the water because he kept refusing to go in very far. Justin then exclaimed that he was such a GOOD BOY and he did as I asked and he did not go in the water past his KID KNEES as he bent down to touch his knees. We laughed for hours and still joke about it to this day. What a good boy I have (and a good evesdropper 🙂 )!
3 Pastors met to talk about how they divy up the offering each week.
1st Pastor said “I draw a circle on the table, toss the money in the air and whatever lands inside is the Lords and whatever lands outside the circle is my salary”
2nd Pastor said “I do the same thing! but whatever lands inside the circle is my salary”
3rd Pastor said “all ye of little faith… I toss the money in the air as well and whatever the Lord wants he takes whatever comes down is what He must want me to have”
My husband’s 3 year old cousin was explaining to us that she had a boyfriend. So they were asking her what he looked like. They said, well what color hair does your boyfriend have and she said “Black”. and then they said well what about his eyes? and she said, “he has 2”! Clever girl!
The other day I texted my husband, “I cannot print coupons. Please get colored ink”.
His response: “We don’t say ‘colored ink’ anymore. We say ‘ink of color'”.
Thank goodness I had someone else to share this with!
I was quizzing my daughter in science facts and ask her What is a mammal? She laughed and said that’s easy a man camel:) Now that’s funny!!!
Sometimes being a parent affords you the right to mess with your kids’ heads. Hey, they mess plenty with yours, right?
Last night at the dinner table, my 9 yr old daughter Lauren asks me, “Mom, can we fold Eric (brother) up and put him in a box and send him far away?”
Her teenage sister Kaley replies, “How about we put YOU in a box and send you to Guatemala?”
Lauren had never heard of such a place and asks, “What is Guatemala?”
Now, the responsible thing to do would have been to scold them for such foul wishes for their siblings, and to discuss the benefits of brotherly love. But I was not feeling responsible at the moment.
“It’s a fruit, “ I told her. Kaley had to press her lips tightly to keep from losing her milk.
“Oh, I thought it didn’t sound like a place.” Lauren says.
OK, so the responsible side of me starts to kick in. “I’m just kidding. It’s a country,” I tell her.
But only a little.
“They speak guacamole there.”
We cleaned up sprayed milk.
I read this today and it cracked me up .. “I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.”
When I was getting ready to exercise, I was putting a sports bra on with my children waiting on me. My 3 yr. old daughter said….”Mommy, why do you put that bra thing on your feet?” After nursing three babies in three years…I guess this is the type of response shouldn’t suprise me 🙂
I was flipping through a magazine one night as I watched my four year old twin girls play in the bathtub together..I glanced up in time to see one of my girls take a drink of water from the cup I rinse their hair with, I said “Oh honey, don’t drink the bath water! What if your sister peed in there?” She spit out her mouth full of water, smiled and said “No mommy, I did!”
My 2 yr old son loves to play in our backyard. The other day I look out the window to see him butt-naked sticking his you-know-what through a hole in the fence. The funniest part was that he was on his tip-toes so that he could reach the hole!
Man walks into a dentist’s office and says, “Doc! You have to help me! I’m convinced that I’m a moth!” Dentist says, “That’s not really my specialty; I’m a dentist. You need to see a shrink. Why’d you even come here?” “Because the light was on.”
My six year old was eating a cheeseburger from BurgerK*ng a few weeks ago. I noticed he had a sesame seed stuck to his cheek. When I told him he had a seed on his face, he took it off, looked at it and said “If we plant this seed, will it grow burgers?”